My mind has its quirks, there is no doubt. Usually, though, I can contain these quirks with the aim of living a useful and polite life. Sometimes, though, sometimes, the quirks overtake me and reveal themselves.
Yesterday, I was delighted to not have a long wait at the nail salon. The woman who does my nails is wonderful at her job, but does not usually visit or socialize with her clients other than to find out only the most necessary information. She spends most of the time she works on my nails talking on the phone. I have no gripes with that, as she is an excellent nail artist. I cannot understand what she is saying on the phone as she is speaking a language I assume to be Vietnamese or Cambodian. It is a lovely language, full of soft blends and gentle consonants. Yesterday as she worked on my nails, I let my mind wander to what she was speaking.
It sounded like this, "Whum sha fo shum sh*t sh*t." Huh? my ears perked up and I listened carefully.
"Shu sha lo hum sh*t sh*t," she warbled into the phone.
Her tone took a serious turn. "Hu fo shem li sh*t sh*t SH*T!" she spat.
Then I felt it, The quirk was taking over and I couldn't stop it! No, no, not now, you quirk!
I tried, but the quirk was more powerful than I. It started deep in my belly and before I knew it came out of my mouth with an almost deafening roar. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
And then I couldn't quit laughing. It startled her enough that she put the phone down, stopped the work on my nails and quietly looked at me.
That made the quirk even stronger and I laughed and laughed until tears squeezed out of my eyes. I was breathless and red faced by the time the quirk acquiesced.
Embarrassed is not a deep enough word to describe how I felt in the aftermath.
This is not the only time the quirk has overtaken me.
In grad school, I took a linguistics class at night.
This class was important to my degree and I knew I was privileged to be in this class because the professor only took on a small number each semester and was a well known scholar. I wanted to wring every bit of knowledge I could out of this class.
Apparently the professor came to this class immediately after he ate his supper. He had a habit of belching, not burping, but BELCHING whenever he felt the gas from his meal rising up through his digestive tract.
"Tonight we will be discussing *BELCH* the rise of the Indo-European *BELCH*...."
I'm sure you get the idea.
The first few times it happened, I was shocked and embarrassed for him. The next few times, I looked around at my classmates to see how they were reacting. They obviously wanted to stay in his good graces because they showed no reaction at all, their faces painted with pseudo-Mona Lisa smiles a jackhammer couldn't have chipped off.
One night midway through the semester, after almost three straight hours of listening to the belch-speak, my quirk started to exert control. What had seemed disgusting to me before now seemed more and more humorous.
I imagined painful things, like walking barefoot through burning, broken glass to try and distract my quirk. My belly jumped in tiny spasms. I put my hand over my forehead and leaned into it, rubbing my temples in a last ditch effort to assuage the quirk.
"Don't forget, *BELCH* your midterm *BEEELLLLLLCCHHHHH*..." and with that last extended expulsion, it was over.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" my quirk released from me. I couldn't stop.
My classmates didn't share my mirth at the situation. They sat, open mouthed, in feigned shock at my rudeness. If small Puritan hats had been available that night, I'm sure they would have rushed to don them, so great was their righteous indignation at my outburst.
Their pinch faced disapproval at my laughing spell only infused strength into my quirk and I hee-hawed all the harder. I finally regained control by leaving the otherwise completely silent room.
I would have left the building completely, but my purse and my books were still in the room. When I finally worked up a serious enough face to go back in, my professor looked me in the eye and said, "I suppose I should eat dinner earlier. My apologies."
I wanted to dig a hole in the floor and remain there the rest of the semester.
I try to keep control of my quirks, but sometimes they overpower me.
What about you? Do you have any quirks that cause you social discomfort?
Showing posts with label embarrassments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embarrassments. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Teacher Gaffes
In honor of school starting this month in many places, I'm including some real, unadulterated gaffes by teachers I have known. Certainly, none of them would have been made by me...ahem...well, I'm not telling. You'll just have to make a guess as to which one is mine and mine alone.
1. A high school senior English teacher had only a few minutes to run to the restroom between classes. She hurled herself into the bathroom and got the job done speedily. She congratulated herself that she took pantyhose to be a literal meaning and didn't have panties to pull up, thus saving even more time. She hustled down the hall and was relieved to see she made it back on schedule. She flew into her lesson with gusto and noticed the students seemed to more animated than usual. She took it to mean she was truly inspiring them, and that fed her Shakespearean fervor.
She soon noticed that every time she turned her back to the class to write on the board students in the front began gasping and turning red, while others covered their mouths with eyes stretched wide. At that point, another teacher came in to deliver a paper. The second teacher quickly grabbed her arm and jerked her outside into the hall. The English teacher said, "What's going on?" The second teacher disappeared behind her and strongly tugged at the English teacher's skirt. It was only then she realized the entire back of her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose, giving her seniors a whole new meaning to backstory.
2. Another teacher went along as a sponsor on a field trip which took students and teacher for a lunch break at a pizza establishment. It was resplendent with the latest loud video games and arcades as well as giant slices of pizza. It was so noisy that when it came time to depart the teacher had to get behind each student at the games and almost yell into their ears that it was time to go. Finally, one student remained, a fellow with some emotional problems. He required much coaxing and responded well to gentle, sweet talk. This teacher always peppered her speech with Honey, Darlin', and Sweetheart when she spoke with him to keep him calm and compliant.
She got up close to his ear and said, "Come on, darlin', it's time to get on the bus with me. I've got some really fun things planned for us, sweetheart. You are going to be so excited to see what comes next! Hurry, honey, don't make me wait!" He turned around with a huge grin on his face and it was then the teacher realized this was not her student but a small man who had been playing the video games. He continued to follow the teacher and seek out the good time he had been promised for as long as the teacher remained in the pizza place.
3. Slam Books are an ugly harbinger of adolescence. In these homemade books, someone will write the name of a different student at the top of each page and other students will then write a comment about the student underneath, sometimes nice, but most of the time not.
A teacher confiscated one of these and read through it after class. She noticed many cruel comments and was aghast. It made her feel better, though, when she came to one page for a student named Danny. It warmed her heart to see that so many comments were about his pet.
"Danny plays with his weasel all the time," and "He's obsessed with his weasel," and "Danny's always got his hand around his weasel." She had never known a student to have a pet weasel and was intrigued.
The next day when Danny came to class, the teacher told him she'd heard he had a pet weasel. "Danny, I've never known anyone with a pet weasel and I hear you take such good care of yours. Could you bring it to class one day to show everyone? It must be pretty tame because you handle it so much. I'd really like to see it." Danny's horrified expression and the outburst of raucous laughter from the class made her realize she'd stumbled onto a new euphemism.
And now for the final story, dear readers.
4. A social studies teacher spiffed herself up for picture day, wearing a lovely white blouse that she felt accentuated her curvy figure. She took care not to spill anything on or stain the blouse all day, even avoiding mishap with the spaghetti the cafeteria served at lunch. She came out of lunch pristine. The picture time for her class was soon coming up. She had just enough time to pick up the posters they'd been working on. She went to each desk and carefully held the posters so as not to bend them. They were artfully decorated maps, emblazoned with color.
She was pleasantly surprised when one student, who normally did not have his work ready, handed it to her with a smile. He must have finished this at lunch, she knowingly thought as she held his purple creation. At least it's finished, though! A student moved to get past her in the aisle and she backed away and pulled the posters close to her so they wouldn't get bent.
She set them on her desk and lined her students up to head for the picture taking session. She led her class to the photographer, who motioned for her to come first for her picture. She positioned herself beside the large crayon prop and looked at the photographer for further direction. His eyes were round and his mouth was slightly open as he stared at her.
She thought perhaps her pose was perfect and waited for him to snap the picture. He continued to stare until finally she asked, "Is something wrong?" He could only bring himself to vaguely motion at the front of her blouse.
She looked down and saw on her crisp white blouse two large nipples of purple color anatomically placed on her chest, and underneath her left breast, the backwards, black words New Zealand.
There you have it, my friends. These are some of the untold, hidden stories of teaching. Do you remember anything amusing involving a teacher from your school days? We're a tough lot; we can take it, so share away!
1. A high school senior English teacher had only a few minutes to run to the restroom between classes. She hurled herself into the bathroom and got the job done speedily. She congratulated herself that she took pantyhose to be a literal meaning and didn't have panties to pull up, thus saving even more time. She hustled down the hall and was relieved to see she made it back on schedule. She flew into her lesson with gusto and noticed the students seemed to more animated than usual. She took it to mean she was truly inspiring them, and that fed her Shakespearean fervor.
She soon noticed that every time she turned her back to the class to write on the board students in the front began gasping and turning red, while others covered their mouths with eyes stretched wide. At that point, another teacher came in to deliver a paper. The second teacher quickly grabbed her arm and jerked her outside into the hall. The English teacher said, "What's going on?" The second teacher disappeared behind her and strongly tugged at the English teacher's skirt. It was only then she realized the entire back of her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose, giving her seniors a whole new meaning to backstory.
2. Another teacher went along as a sponsor on a field trip which took students and teacher for a lunch break at a pizza establishment. It was resplendent with the latest loud video games and arcades as well as giant slices of pizza. It was so noisy that when it came time to depart the teacher had to get behind each student at the games and almost yell into their ears that it was time to go. Finally, one student remained, a fellow with some emotional problems. He required much coaxing and responded well to gentle, sweet talk. This teacher always peppered her speech with Honey, Darlin', and Sweetheart when she spoke with him to keep him calm and compliant.
She got up close to his ear and said, "Come on, darlin', it's time to get on the bus with me. I've got some really fun things planned for us, sweetheart. You are going to be so excited to see what comes next! Hurry, honey, don't make me wait!" He turned around with a huge grin on his face and it was then the teacher realized this was not her student but a small man who had been playing the video games. He continued to follow the teacher and seek out the good time he had been promised for as long as the teacher remained in the pizza place.
3. Slam Books are an ugly harbinger of adolescence. In these homemade books, someone will write the name of a different student at the top of each page and other students will then write a comment about the student underneath, sometimes nice, but most of the time not.
A teacher confiscated one of these and read through it after class. She noticed many cruel comments and was aghast. It made her feel better, though, when she came to one page for a student named Danny. It warmed her heart to see that so many comments were about his pet.
"Danny plays with his weasel all the time," and "He's obsessed with his weasel," and "Danny's always got his hand around his weasel." She had never known a student to have a pet weasel and was intrigued.
The next day when Danny came to class, the teacher told him she'd heard he had a pet weasel. "Danny, I've never known anyone with a pet weasel and I hear you take such good care of yours. Could you bring it to class one day to show everyone? It must be pretty tame because you handle it so much. I'd really like to see it." Danny's horrified expression and the outburst of raucous laughter from the class made her realize she'd stumbled onto a new euphemism.
And now for the final story, dear readers.
4. A social studies teacher spiffed herself up for picture day, wearing a lovely white blouse that she felt accentuated her curvy figure. She took care not to spill anything on or stain the blouse all day, even avoiding mishap with the spaghetti the cafeteria served at lunch. She came out of lunch pristine. The picture time for her class was soon coming up. She had just enough time to pick up the posters they'd been working on. She went to each desk and carefully held the posters so as not to bend them. They were artfully decorated maps, emblazoned with color.
She was pleasantly surprised when one student, who normally did not have his work ready, handed it to her with a smile. He must have finished this at lunch, she knowingly thought as she held his purple creation. At least it's finished, though! A student moved to get past her in the aisle and she backed away and pulled the posters close to her so they wouldn't get bent.
She set them on her desk and lined her students up to head for the picture taking session. She led her class to the photographer, who motioned for her to come first for her picture. She positioned herself beside the large crayon prop and looked at the photographer for further direction. His eyes were round and his mouth was slightly open as he stared at her.
She thought perhaps her pose was perfect and waited for him to snap the picture. He continued to stare until finally she asked, "Is something wrong?" He could only bring himself to vaguely motion at the front of her blouse.
She looked down and saw on her crisp white blouse two large nipples of purple color anatomically placed on her chest, and underneath her left breast, the backwards, black words New Zealand.
There you have it, my friends. These are some of the untold, hidden stories of teaching. Do you remember anything amusing involving a teacher from your school days? We're a tough lot; we can take it, so share away!
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