Excuses, Excuses...

Back in the days of antiquity before electronic communication obliterated the fine art of the handwritten missive, I regularly received notes from parents, usually excuses for undone homework and absences. A few gems from my collection:

*All names have been changed, but otherwise the notes are transcribed verbatim.

1. "Please excuse Mark. From being at school. He had the sh*ts all night. And then I got them to."

2. "I couldn't properly oversee Mary completing her homework last night because I was incarcerated briefly, unfortunately. While driving past a policeman parked near Darcy's Olde Time Pub, I was so taken with the beauty of a stately tree that I accidentally swerved my car once or twice. Said policeman WRONGLY assumed I was inebriated and arrested me. Therefore Mary did not finish your assignment. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call me at xxx-xxxx. (But please do not call before noon. I feel generally unwell, so I will be in bed.)"

3. "Can't make the parent conference Friday. Supposed to be ovulating then. Please reschedule me for next week."

4. "If John acts up in class again, you have my permission to hit him. Just give him a swat and he won't give you any more problems."

5. "Rhonda did her homework last night, but when we got up this morning we saw the goat had ate it. I tryed to pull it out of her mouth, but she swallowed it right up."

6. "Jim was absent yesterday because he was sick. I enjoyed talking with you at Open House. Are you free Friday night? Maybe we could meet for dinner."

7. Chip won't be at school tomorrow. We are castrating some bulls and I need his help."

8. (While I was holding a wet book a student had just handed me, he gave me this note) "I am sorry your book got wet. Sammy left his backpack in the restroom last night and after he used it this morning and flushed, the whole toilet overflowed and soaked his backpack. Your book was in his backpack, and that's how your book got wet."