Shelly's Laws of the Gym (With Apologies to Murphy)

I go to my gym on a university campus five or six times a week. I enjoy it. However, like Murphy's Law, there are several, irrefutable laws that hold true each time.

1. The Sweat Flinger Law: This mandate was specifically written to ensure the man who sweats the most profusely will, in a row of empty machines, end up next to you and will be sweating so exuberantly that his sweat droplets cascade upon you like salty rain.

2. The Racing Woman Law: An intriguing piece of legislation, this calls for a woman, preferably no older than 19, who is speedy and in incredible shape, to notice each time you head to the track to run your 3.5 miles. She will then immediately stop what she is doing, head to the track after you to race you without your knowledge or consent. The law stipulates she must exert herself as if she is overtaking Usain Bolt, even though it is only the two of you on the track. A provision in the law allows you to award her a medal for repeatedly showing up a middle aged woman on the track, if you so choose.


3. The Familiar Audience Law: The beauty of this law is it guarantees that ONLY when your trainer has pushed you to the brink of death and you are whimpering with exhaustion that a group of college students who used to be your middle school students will take places in the bleachers next to the court where you are doing the last set of boot camp exercises to watch because they are so happy to have found you at the gym. A last minute rider gives bonus points if they also shout encouragement and applaud while the last vestiges of your dignity evaporate as you complete a plank exercise your trainer calls, "humping the floor" .

4. The Annoying Flirty Man Law: This law dictates that Annoying Flirty Man will continue to pelt you with his attention, even though you clearly wear your wedding ring, you do not speak to him, you do not make eye contact with him, nor do you even acknowledge his existence as you run on the treadmill. An added bonus of this law includes the man must wear tank tops and have a forest of hair peeking out of the collar and arm holes.

5. The Towel Assimilation Law: Years of unregulated towel usage necessitated this legislation. The mandate covers those times when you drop your gym issued blue towel, identical to all the other blue towels issued, beside your mat as you work on core exercises. It requires other users of the area to plop their sweat soaked towels in a pile with your towel and ignore the vast open spaces near their own mats where towels could be segregated. When you reach behind your head for your towel without looking, it ensures you will also grab the other wet towels with your own. An amendment also allows for people with the same brand bottles of water as yours, partially filled, to place their bottles so near yours that it is impossible to distinguish one from the other.

Do you have irrefutable laws of life that govern your life?