Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Unspeakable Sadness

This is going to be difficult to write because my heart is so heavy and broken this morning.

Each morning when I walk in, I have a chipper 6th grade girl from my first period class, Adela, who meets me at the door, chatters all the way in, and immediately sets about passing out folders, changing the date, anything she can do to help.

Adela is 11 years old and a foster child. She and her 12 year old sister, Sarah, have been through much abuse and heartache in their lives. Their mother ultimately decided several months ago she didn't want the girls in her life anymore because they'd crimp her lifestyle. She had them too young, she told the judge, and she wanted to enjoy life a little before she had to settle down. She voluntarily severed her rights to them and told them she didn't want to see them anymore. They have never known their father.

The girls, despite all this, have not been outwardly mopey or depressed. They love to talk and have friends here at school.

Adela told me last week she thought maybe her mother had died. I asked her why, and she said, "I just feel inside me she may have died. It feels like it." The social worker told me as far as they knew, the mother was alive and partying hard. We all assured Adela and Sarah their mom was indeed alive, though just not able to be a part of their lives right now.

Last night, Sarah hung herself. Adela is in the hospital on suicide watch. Their pain had reached a tipping point and at 11 and 12 years of age they decided there was no hope anymore for them. Period.

I can't even write this without tears coming again. When I found out, I had to lock myself in a bathroom and weep for a long time. I keep examining things, wondering if there were signs we should have spotted. Really, there weren't. They'd been dealt some horrific blows, but their counselors, social workers and foster family felt they were dealing with things in a resilient way.

The only thing I can come away from this with is to talk to the kids in your life often. They become very good at covering up what's inside. You can't ever tell them too often you love them. That prickly teen of yours? Wrap them up in a big bear hug and whisper to them how your life is so much grander because they are in it. That niece or nephew who's silly and immature? Smile and let them know how they bless your life. Those grandchildren? Cup their sweet faces in your hands and tell them you'll always love them just because they are who they are.

And this morning when I get to my classroom, I know I will be passing out folders by myself. I will have a time of chatter free quiet before the tardy bell rings. Yesterday's date will still be on the board in Adela's handwriting. I'm going to leave it unchanged for a while. It will be a good reminder that life is precious.

45 comments:

  1. ohhh Shelly, I had a little cry too, it really is unspeakably sad. For once I have no words :(

    (((hugs)))

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  2. IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY: Thank you. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, read some blogs earlier, but it's really going to be such a difficult day to get through. I just can't fathom being that young and having such pain and despair in your life.

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  3. Oh my dear Shelly, I am also having a little weep, for you, and for those two dear girls. How very, very sad and you will miss Adela so much. My heart goes out to you. I really feel for Adela though, because now her sister has gone as well. Whatever is she going to do? How is she going to cope? I will remember her in my prayers. Hugs my friend.

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  4. Diane: Those are the very questions that kept me up last night. Those two only had each other. Gosh it hurts to think of her alone. Thank you for your prayers for her. It is the Lord who can help her.

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  5. God almighty, Shelly! This is an unspeakable tragedy and I am so sorry that it has impacted your life to such a degree. You're right. Kids cover up their feelings and you can't always tell what's going on inside. In a desperate moment suicide can seem like a legitimate way out, a way to escape the pain; but children do not realize how final a step it is. They don't understand that where there's life there is always hope. I am deeply sorry for you, for the sister that she left behind, for her classmates and for anybody who loved and cared about her. If this was a movie the birth mother would find out what happened, turn her life around, and dedicate it to helping children in her daughter's memory. If this was a movie. Shelly, your sadness is mine and I am very sorry for your loss, dear friend.

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  6. Shady: Thank you- your words mean a lot to me.

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  7. Oh. Oh. Oh. I am hugging you right now. Can you feel it? What a tragedy. You are in my thoughts.

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  8. I am so sorry for Adela, Shelly, and the grief she must be experiencing and the sadness you are experiencing and the pain Sarah had to do such a thing, and the despair. Such sadness all around. But your advice is so true. We need to rally around our youth, especially those at risk youth, and do our best to help them as we can. Hugs to you Shelly and prayers for Adela.

    betty

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  9. Oh, Shelly. To have carried so much pain that the only way out was death? Those poor, poor girls. My heart aches for them.

    Pearl

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  10. ((((((((hugs))))))) and lots of prayers for you and poor Adela. I'm crying as I write this too. So young, so innocent, so much ahead of them. I DO know that there is nothing else anyone could have done (except her birth mother of course) Suicide has to be one of the hardest things ever. It leaves so many questions and such deep sadness to see such despair. If someone really wants to kill themselves, there will be no signs, they just do it.

    Please don't answer all of us--it will be too draining, just soak up all the love from us!!

    More ((((((hugs)))))) and prayers....

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  11. Thank you, all of you. It's been more difficult than I thought this morning. Jamie, thank you so much for your post.

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  12. Oh Shelly...my stomach did a flip when I read this, and my heart hurt. It is just so tragic that a young child at the tender age of 12 was so despondent she chose to end her life.
    Hugs to you...and prayers for Sarah and Adela, I hope she'll return to you, she'll need your love and support even more.

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  13. I am finding it so hard to think of even anything to say. I am crying with you. It makes me ache. I am sending all my prayers.

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  14. Last month when I went to the suicide prevention walk and wrote about it, I was hoping that we would not be hearing about any more attempts. My God, you must be weeping inside. I wish that I was there for you. I have been always worried about something like this. I keep tweeting random messages to people that they should just remember there is always some one who loves them out there, they just don't know that yet. Sooner or later they will meet some body who cares, and not to dispair. I guess we cannot look out for each other enough.
    You know Shelley I care for you, hang in there and holler if you need to.
    Hugs - - - Hugs and more Hugs. This is Munir over here at Focus.

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  15. It is comforting to know there are such supportive and loving friends out there. Thank you, each one of you.

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  16. That just breaks my heart. You were/are probably one of the best things that happened to that little girl every day. Poor, poor sweet thing. I hope she can pull some strength out - just one more time - to get herself through this and be able to find some happiness and love somewhere. We all need to have sharper eyes for the trouble lurking beneath the surface. Not always easy, and I know you did your best. I can't imagine a better friend/teacher than you.

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  17. Oh Shelly, I am so sorry to read this. Those poor girls; they went through such terrible sadness. Sometimes the heart can't see any light. Three of my cousins committed suicide. I come from a very disfunctional family. God was with little Sarah that day and he is with Adele now. Sarah will live an eternal life of happiness now. Her pain is gone. This is how I feel about my grandson.

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  18. Oh, Shelly. I'm so heartbroken for them -- and for you.

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  19. I so appreciate all the prayers and support. It means so much.

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  20. I'm so sorry! I am especially sorry for the girl left here without her big sister and without her mother. Her mother is obviously ill. No sane mother could do what she has done.

    I am so terrified of this epidemic. It happens far too often. Your charge to love and hug the teens in your life is an important one.

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  21. OWWWW owWW owww.. it huts so much to read! To think of this...



    Praying for recovery for Adela, and for everyone who knows and loves her.

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  22. God bless you and the children.

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  23. Dear Shelly!!!
    Oh, how terriblely sad to think how much pain Sarah had in her little heart and the enormous grief Adela must be feeling now.
    I am in tears now as well, thinking these poor girls.
    My prayers for Adela being able get through the huge hardship she had for her age!!!
    And also hope you can get yourself back soon from the state of your mind you must be in...

    God Bless you, xoxo Orchid*

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  24. Thank you all so much. This morning I'm really having trouble with why people who aren't fit to raise a goldfish bring children into this world and irreparably damage them. Sigh.

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  25. My mother always said you should have to get a license to have children. I agree with her. Blessings to you.

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  26. Shelly, Stopping in from Jamie Jo's.
    My stomach did a flip when I read this... I am so sorry!
    Prayers for you and Adela - I can't imagine the pain.
    Always remember, "If God brought you to it, He'll see you through it."
    Blessings to you~

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  27. Sarah's funeral services will be in Alabama. Adela is supposed to be released from the hospital this weekend some time. Please keep the prayers coming for her.

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  28. Shelly my sweet friend I hurt along with you as I read the account of Sarah's passing. I have no doubt that many of the happy memories in their young lives include you. We are limited in how much we can tell by just looking at a child but I know from reading your blogs that you did all you could to make their little lives as good as you could. Thank you Shelly for all you do to influence and improve the quality of life for so many children. So many prayers will be lifted for you and those girls. God bles you,
    Odie

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  29. This is the first time I have been here and what a wonderful post I find it is so touching and cripping. I have a nephew Dawson who is 12 now but it is something my dad worrys about a lot him committing suicide as he has a mother who although she says she loves him she doesn't show it or tells him very often. He is more like my parents son then their grandson..............

    I do not understand how some people can treat their children the way they do, I tell my girls that I love them and I am proud of them all the time because I do........

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  30. Jo-Anne: I'm so glad your parents are there for Dawson and I hope his mom will come to her senses for him. You are a good mom.

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  31. That really is unspeakable. I'm crying over here. That is horrific. I pray that Adela makes it out alive and...down the road...well. Wow. No father, no mother and, now, no sister. That is tragic.

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  32. Kelley: Thanks- it continues to be sad because at this point we don't even know if Paula will be assigned to the same foster family, and thus continue to be at my school. I just want that poor girl to catch some kind of break- she's had so much bad happen to her.

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  33. I'm stopping by from Jamie Jo's post. My prayers are with both the girls. May God hear our prayers for these two precious souls. I have asked those in our community to pray as well. Though the names of the girls, ages and situation wasn't disclosed. God knows who we are refering too.

    God bless!

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  34. Elizabeth: Thank you so much. Prayer is the only thing that is going to make a difference. It is much appreciated~

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  35. Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine what Adela is going through now without her sister or her mother. I'm weeping too. I understand the desperation that Sarah felt, but OH, HOW I WISH SHE HADN'T SUCCEEDED!! My own mother became a paraplegic (paralyzed from the waist down) on the day I was born. My father left four years later and life was very difficult for us. My mother tried to commit suicide several times and the last time she almost succeeded. I'm sorry to admit that I too tried as a teenager but thankfully was found and rushed to the hospital. I will be praying for Adela today. That little girl is going to have a difficult road ahead of her. A loss like hers is such a haunting thing and will remain with her forever. I hope she is able to overcome it and heal in time. I hope you are able to heal from this too. Sending warm hugs your way and praying you and Adela will be reunited and that God will hold you both in his loving arms and comfort you in the way that only He can. Don't ever underestimate the impact your love and care has on the children you come in contact with. Some of my greatest mentors were my teachers growing up. They were lights through the storm of my life.

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  36. Jenn June: Thank you so much for your caring, compassionate words. Yes, please keep her in your prayers. Since this post, she's come back to school, but had to be hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital over the holidays for severe depression. She's back in school again, and she talks with me like nothing's happened, but I know her soul is so wounded. I pray for a miracle for her.

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  37. A psychologist told me one time that the more children appear not to be affected by something, the harder they are probably taking it, because they internalize their emotions. I was going through a rough time with my son and his grades were atrocious. My eyes were opened. And ever after that I looked at children through different eyes. I hope Adela is getting the therapy she needs, and can work through this. Lord we just don't realize what an impact we have on our children.

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    1. Cath: We can never assume things are going to be "OK" with kids. Their emotions are just as complex as adults, and without a mature logic, that can be a dangerous thing.

      Thank you for your god wishes about Adela. She's got a tough road ahead of her, but bless her heart, she's trying every day.

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  38. So heartsick to read this. I'm am so sorry for your loss. Only God can soothe a broken heart like this.

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    1. mare: my prayers for her continue to include good things. You're right- it can only come from Him.

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  39. I have just read this for the first time. Poor poor Sarah. My 10 year old nephew did the same. It ripped our family apart with grief which was at times overwhelming so I feel your pain. I hope Adela is coping with this enormous grief and can gain strength from the people in her life who care for her. (((hugs))

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  40. Lyndylou: I am so very sorry about your nephew- what a tragedy! Big hugs to you, my friend. As far as Adela, she went back to that home and something horrific was done to her there. She was transferred to another home in another town. I feel white hot rage at all she's been through and what's been done to her. All I can do is hold her in my prayers. Thank you for your kind comments.

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