Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"Slaughter the Fat Slobs..."

The woman in front of me in line shifted uncomfortably. Her shirt was a bit too short to cover her hanging belly and her pants a bit too tight across the dimpled seat, drawing even more unintentional attention to it.

She placed her clothing selections on the counter and rummaged through her purse to find her wallet. With her eyes averted, the two young, well dressed sales clerks, a man and a woman, made eye contact with each other and pulled out a repetoire of comical faces, blowing out and distending their cheeks, with the man holding his arms a ways out from his sides and moving ponderously from side to side. The customer looked up once and said, "I'm sorry, I know it's in here somewhere." They snapped back to feigned attentiveness as soon as she spoke, but once her gaze was back in her purse, the mocking continued until they were in silent hysterics at each other. She fished out her wallet and completed her purchase, no doubt adding a tidy sum to those clerks' sales tallies for the day. She completed her transaction by softly telling them both, "Thank you- I really do appreciate your help."

I burned inside- with embarrassment for her, with anger at the rudeness of the clerks, and at the memories of what it was like for me when I was morbidly obese.

I wasn't always morbidly obese. In fact, I was slender, fit, and considered pretty through my twenties. A tragedy and the resulting well camouflaged depression that draped itself over me obliterated the fastidiousness with which I usually cared for myself. A back injury and a couple of knee injuries cemented my slide downwards into a weight that was over twice my original size. My sweet husband loved me just the same and never, not once, spoke one negative word to me about my appearance or my weight, but that didn't negate the trash others threw covertly my way.

I noticed many people refused eye contact with me, even though speaking politely, as if my obesity was contagious. Then there were those to whom somehow, despite the fact that I had multiple degrees and held state offices in professional associations and was a school teacher and a lecturer at a university, my intelligence was also diminished by my obesity.

In restaurants, there was always at least one patron or server who would look to see what I was eating, as if I was not a human but an animal in the zoo on display. I remember hearing one person laughing in a group of people, "They should just slaughter all those fat slobs. The food saved could go to feed those starving kids!" People guffawed as if it was the best joke they'd ever heard.

While some sales clerks were gracious, others were downright hostile. I learned to approach the sales clerk first in a clothing store that was not a plus sized store to let them know I was looking for clothing for one of my children or someone else, so they wouldn't come up to me to tell me they had nothing in my size.

People who held the assumption that overweight people are also lazy hung it on me like a medal at the Olympics. I found myself working much harder than others to prove to them that not only was I capable, but that I was successful. I saw folks with much limper work ethics but with model-worthy good looks getting huge promotions.

Even in church, there were some who felt that because my physical body was in bad shape, my spiritual body must be likewise.

No one else in my original family, present family, or extended family struggles with obesity, and it was hard for some of  them to understand why I couldn't just "fix it". Quit eating, exercise, and it will come off. Well, of course, that's correct, but it's much easier said than done, especially when you have just about given up, as I had.

With a miraculous epiphany I had several years ago, I started the hard climb out of obesity and back into health, with amazing support from my husband, kids, and friends. Now at my goal weight, I can say it has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I exercise like a mad woman, count calories as if my life depends on it (and it does) and am now known as a fitness nut. I believe with all my heart no one is beyond redemption.

And when that woman in front of me turned around after paying for her items, I looked her in the eye and said, "I saw some of the things you picked out- you have a great eye for color. In fact, you've given me some ideas of  things I want to look for."

Her eyes widened and she looked at me carefully for a moment, as if to judge the genuineness of my compliment. Then, her face relaxed and she replied, "Thank you so much," and punctuated it with a soft nod and gentle smile.

After she exited, I placed my selections on the counter. The two clerks both had compliments about my choices and the female clerk remarked, "I wish I had your waist!"

I thanked her, and then watched the smiles sink from their faces when I launched in, "I saw what you were doing to the woman in front of me..."

This is another post I did about my weight loss, and it has then and now pictures in it: Losing 167 Pounds But Finding More of Me. If you are obese or want to change something else in your life, it can be done. Really, really, it CAN be done. It may not be easy, and it may not be quick, but it can be done. Believing in yourself is the very first step. You are worth it.

62 comments:

  1. This was an absolutely wonderful post and one that should be read by everyone! Really, beautifully written.

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    1. Betty: Thank you- it is very close to my heart.

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  2. It doesn't take much for me to become teary eyed, Shelly. This powerful anecdote of yours was more than enough. First of all you have a gem of a husband. He's a keeper and so are you. Discrimination of all kinds still exists in our society including racial, gender and age discrimination. Disabled and obese individuals are also among its victims. I'm sure you've seen the movie Shallow Hal in which the lithe and lovely Gwyneth Paltrow transforms herself into a rotund woman for the role. There is no excuse or justification for service industry workers or sales clerks ridiculing customers no matter what their size, shape, age or handicap. It's bad business and it's not what America stands for. It's not who we are as a people. Your comeback is an inspiration to everyone, Shelly. I applaud you!

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    1. Shady: As much as we try to bill ourselves as a tolerant society, we have a long ways to go. The sad thing- and speaking from experience- I think many obese folks feel they deserve the treatment they get, which makes the bad behavior even more shameful.

      Thank you my friend, for representing what is right about our country.

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  3. What a wonderful thing to share. It offers hope to those who need hope, chastisement to those who need correction, and insight for all of us who might be clueless in many ways about the pain others are living with.

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    1. vanilla: You are right- we never know what pain someone might be dealing with below the surface. A little more compassion would go a long way in our society.

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  4. Wow! That was awesome. Not everyone has the power to do that!

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    1. laughingmom: I'm usually a mild mannered person averse to confrontation, but this really set me off. Mostly, I am pleasant- really I am!

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  5. Shelly, this post was incredible. Again, so well written. Ever thought about being a columnist?? I loved learning more about you. I love that you made it through something so difficult. I loved reading how Christlike you are to your "neighbors". And I really love that you didn't let those clerks get away with it. You are an example of all that is good in the world. Thank you.

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    1. Nancy: You are too kind. I wish I was more Christlike. But it really set me off. She didn't deserve that. No one does. It's sad that the personal dignity of so many individuals who do not fit whatever "mold" society has is completely discarded. You are the one I admire. Your personal strength and faith in what you all just went through completely inspires me.

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  6. This is a wonderful post, Shelly: beautifully written, so inspiring, so sad and so true!

    Like you, I more than doubled my weight after some life tragedies in early midlife and was shocked by the difference in how I was treated. Since a part of my career put me in the public eye -- doing t.v. shows in connection with my writing -- some of the feedback was just savage. I especially remember one television show that brought me back to New York on the basis of my expertise and some of my books. But when they saw me, it was all over. The producer called my agent with some lame excuse -- that they were going to bump me in favor of a last minute guest Michael Jackson. Later, I saw a newspaper t.v. guide listing of the show's episode -- listing Delia Ephron and me as guests with Michael Jackson nowhere to be seen. I don't know whether Delia did a solo appearance or if they found a stand-in for me, but I knew without being told that they bounced me because of my weight -- and despite careful grooming and tasteful dressing. This was just one of many daily cruelties. It was such a hard time.

    You're a true inspiration! Although I have not yet had your wonderful success in getting all the way down to a healthy, fit weight -- I've lost 70 pounds with 50 yet to go -- I'm determined to make it happen and I just love hearing your story. I'm thrilled that you're able to run again -- and also that you gave such kind words of encouragement to that poor woman and a little hell to those snotty salespeople. I hope it makes them think and act differently the next time. Obesity is no joke -- and painful enough without all those rude comments.

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  7. Dr. Kathy: Good for you! That's an amazing accomplishment, and the last 50 lbs. will come off, too. Isn't it a great feeling?

    Reading your experiences made me feel the pain, too. It is something I know all too well, and in a way, I hope I don't forget it, because I think it makes me a more compassionate person. That was so blatantly stupid what they did to you with that show- it was their loss.

    I am usually pretty mild mannered, but I'm not going to let people doing that kind of stuff where I can/hear it just get by with it. They need to know there is a very real human being behind the obesity, with feelings, intellect, and a soul.

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  8. Yes Shelly your hubby is surely a keeper forever. I was also touched deeply by your post today. It would great if it was on the front page of a large newspaper. I was also very impressed by what you accomplished with the before and after photos. Seeing the after makes a guy wish he was back in school. Have a great rest of the week.

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  9. Odie: That he is- I consider myself blessed every day! Thank you for your kind words, my friend- hope the rest of your week is terrific as well.

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  10. I am just in shock that adults would act that way. I shelter myself around good, nice people and just can't imagine making fun of anyone. People are so cruel. I hope they thought long and hard about what they did after you got done with them.

    You are Christlike, by standing up for her. Even Christ got mad and said what was right (in the temple to about money being exchanged, etc...)

    Yes, I agree with everyone else here, your husband is a wonderful man. (my husband is the same way and after having a dad who would ask me why I was eating certain things, even though, I was thin then, it is so appreciated and treasured to have such a man)

    You've come so far and are such a wonderful example to all.
    You are an inspiration to me, who has a TON to lose and even though the road seems so long now, I know I can do it and think of you often.

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    1. Jamie Jo: I really hope their shallowness will disappear soon. I'm sure she had to know some of that was going on. If I could have found their manager, I would have.

      We are blessed with good men. I feel sorry for the women who have to live with insults and emotional abuse from the ones who are supposed to love them most.

      I am a little scared every day, that I will go back to what I was. That is part of my motivation, especially when I am tired or my body is sore.

      You are so inspirational to me in the family you create and in the children you nurture. If I can do this, I know you can do this. Really, I do. Don't look at the end of the road too often because it will seem so far away. Just look at the next step, and then the next step, etc. It's a lot easier like that.

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  11. I'm in shock,Not only about the people you talked about in this situation, but also the store clerks that would confront you that they don't carry your size.

    The only time I had a store person say something rude to me was when I was looking for maternity bras, pregnant with my first baby, (I was thin, but have large breasts) it was at Sears and the older, very tactless clerk, told me, after I said "there are a lot of people larger than me, where do they get their bras?" (this was before we had internet) she responded, "They must just wear nothing" I didn't even know what to say to her, but I was highly offended and shocked at her stupidity.

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    1. Jamie Jo: That is so very uncalled for. Did she think that was going to get her more sales? I used to just cringe when I'd go into a regular sized people store. Some clerks were very nice, and others not so. But I tell you what- I certainly remember those stores now where the clerks treated me nicely and those are the store I spend my money in now!

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  12. What an amazing post Shelly, and what a truly amazing transformation. You should be SO proud of yourself to achieve that weight loss. I agree that your husband is a real keeper, and how wonderful that he supported you throughout. The way those sales people were behaving to that poor woman was absolutely despicable.

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    1. Thisisme: I am blessed in so many ways that I will never take for granted, and a huge one is with my husband.

      I do hope those clerks felt shame at how they acted, but sadly, I kind of doubt it.

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    2. Look at all the comments you've got from this post my friend! Wow! You've obviously struck a chord with this one. I honestly think that it's because we all admire you SO much for what you have achieved. Your family must be very proud of you. I agree with you about those clerks. People like that don't really know the meaning of shame. Enjoy your weekend over there.

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    3. You are so very sweet- thank you! And I do hope your weekend, what is left of it, is absolutely grand, my friend!

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  13. Shelly, you are a true sweetheart, aren't you?

    I don't understand why we are so casually cruel to each other, but we certainly are. I guess it's all the things you list above -- plus the concept of the "other", that somehow people that are not like us are unworthy of our consideration.

    Lovely post -- and thank you for reminding me that we cannot possibly know each other's stories and should therefore be a bit kinder...

    Pearl

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    1. Pearl: I wish I could claim that title, but not so much. I do, however, have a strong sense of justice for the underdog and it absolutely infuriated me how they acted.

      And you're right- kindness is always a plus, in any situation.

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  14. My mother, sisters and I are all overweight. Mostly due to not exercising I think. I was fine until 6 years ago when I quit walking. I have fibromyalgia and my legs just couldn't do it any more. I've kind of given up now and though I think about dieting, I don't. Although I will say I don't eat all that much -no candy, but I do drink Coke. I used to drink beer a lot, but none at all now so I lost a few pounds. It is hard to get motivated when your body hurts and you feel tired most of the time. My sister Liz is in the same boat with an auto-immune disease. She has to lay down a lot and can't walk far or stand for long. You tend to gain a lot of weight when that happens. She used to be a Marine in top shape and is very depressed.

    I am going over to read your story about losing weight. I admire you so much. I hate how people say nasty things to people who are overweight.

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    1. Belle: I have a friend with fibromayalgia, and I know how debilitating it is to her. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. It does sound like you eat healthy, though, and that's a huge plus. I hope your sister is able to get some relief. I think it might drive me a little crazy, but she deals with it much better than I would.

      Take care of yourself, my friend!

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  15. Dearest Shelly,
    Oh, you are the woman with "strong will power" whom I DO respect so much. You said "no one is beyond redemption". I really agree with it! But sometimes "it's much easier said than done". Well, thank God for your sweet husband being beside you and again I admire your motivation to your goal.
    I feel so sad for the clerks thoughtlessness!!! I have had so many experiences for my height. Haha, I gained patience.
    Blessing to you, xoxo Miyako*

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    1. Dear friend Miyako: Thank you for your kind comments. I know you are one determined woman, as well. I love your comment about gaining patience. So very true, my sweet friend! Have a wonderful day!

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  16. I'm so glad you called out those clerks for their horrible behavior. Obesity is a terrible problem, but it does not good to treat people with obesity like they're less than human.

    I applaud you for taking back control of your health. There's no mystery to the fact that it's a lifelong commitment and a LOT of work.

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  17. Lydia: Trying to strip someone of their humanity like they were doing is the lowest of the low.

    My life is transformed. I will scratch and claw and do whatever I have to in order to keep it- it's worth that much too me. And yes, it's also the hardest work I've ever done!

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  18. You've inspired me to never sit by while someone is being treated with less than respect. It's something that I tried to instill in my children when they were growing up, and they are all fearless. People who struggle with weight are not lazy or worthless. Sometimes it's just hard to see the direction you need to go. Since being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis I have packed on about 35 pounds. It's hard to exercise hard enough to offset the 8 hrs of sitting on the job, and it's hard for me to do anything that is strenuous enough without hurting myself more. That's why I love yoga and cycling. I've really committed myself this year to doing good for my body. I haven't really lost significant pounds, but my muscles are stronger and I'm feeling more fit. It's a start, and we're only a month into the new year! It's a lot of work, but it'll be worth it. Kudos to you for this post!

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    1. Karen: You've raised your kids right. There are so many assumptions out there about overweight people that are not only generally false, but injurious, as well.

      I'm so proud of you with your yoga and cycling- those are two great activities. And the more muscle you build, the more calories you will burn in day to day activities. You go, girl! (And I love that yoga supply site you sent me- squeee!)

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  19. I had no idea!
    I am trying to take off a few pounds but have never really had a weight issue, but my husband does. I am protective of him and know that people make snap judgements without having "walked in his shoes". He feels defeated.

    I'm glad you addressed the clerks. Yeay for you!!
    And I'm also glad you spoke some kindness into the shopper's life. Kudos!! BTW, You look mah-ve-lous!!

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    1. Sweet Tea: Thank you for your kind words. And bless you for being so protective of your husband. Having a supportive spouse makes all the difference in the world. It is still appalling to me how those clerks acted. What a person plants, they will also reap.

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  20. This was so wonderful, Shelly. So, so wonderful. Thank you for sharing your perspective with us!

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    1. Kelley: The farther removed time takes me from my morbid obesity, the harder it is to remember so of the things that came with it. But I will never forget how some folks made me feel.

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  21. I wonder why people bother to make every bit of somebody's life as a funny aspect, especially the case you have referred here. Being obese is not a funny thing, and the way you have taken it as a challenge to cut down the pounds causing trouble was impressive. It feels good to hear people getting successful in their motives and thats amazing you have done it.

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    1. Elvirah: I will never understand why some people feel they can treat others so badly. I'm sure they wouldn't want the same treatment for themselves. It truly boggles the mind. Thank you for your kind words~

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  22. what a perspective. Thank you for opening my eyes. I am happy about what you said to those clerks.
    congrats on your wt loss!

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  23. momto8: Thank you! I really do hope what I said to those clerks sunk in.

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  24. Thank you for the truth how people treat heavier people. And your story of weight loss. AND your kind words to that woman. sandie

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    1. Sandie: The truth has to come out. No one deserves to have their dignity stripped from them just because of their body size.

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  25. Shelly, thank you for stopping by my blog...I followed you home! wink wink...and fed upon your words of encouragement, and drinked in your sincerity and love for others..Amazing as I absorbed the words of your blog on the lady before you that the two clerks scorned...it is sad for any one person to so exalt themselves in such a manner as they did...the lady with the "good eye for color" has a weigh condition the two clerks have "heart conditions"....

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    1. Rhonda: I enjoyed your blog! I really do hope those clerks will take something away from that encounter that will awaken compassion in them the next time they are presented with a situation like that. Good point about the heart conditions, too~

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  26. Oh how I would have loved to have seen their faces drop. I do hope they will find compassion for others. And that poor woman. What blessing your compliment must have been to her...looking her in the eye...priceless!

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    1. Alida: It takes so little to affirm someone's dignity. I pray those clerks will learn some humilty and compassion.

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  27. You are such an inspiration. I am sorry people were unkind to you. But now that you have experienced it you are able to stand for those weaker than you and ensure they are treated with respect.

    People can be so cruel in this world. One day they will have to learn the hard way to be kinder. No one escapes this world without experiencing something that humbles them beyond their wildest dreams.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us so candidly, Shelly.

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    1. Crystal: I am a firm believer that what you sow, you reap. I agree- people like those clerks will experience a humbling some day. Perhaps then it will come back to them how they've treated others. I don't think a person can ever err when practicing kindness.

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  28. Good for you!
    It's hard enough to be overweight, then to have to deal with the judgement. I agree with you that you get what you give.
    -r

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    1. Rachée: Judgement from others is a form of torture. I hope folks like those clerks will learn to temper their judgement with compassion. Thanks for stopping by!

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  29. I just found your blog thanks to Best Posts of the Week. I've read several posts and enjoyed them all, especially "The Boy Who Could Run Like a Rabbit." I also like to provide thought-provoking stories that can uplift and entertain people. I hope you'll stop by Chubby Chatterbox sometime. I look forward to my next visit here.

    Chubby Chatterbox

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    1. Stephen: Thank you so much for stopping by and the kind comments. I look forward to stopping by your blog in a bit.

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  30. I just wish that people took care of their health rather than looks. Great Looks will come as a bonus because when we have a healthey BMI we feel good and feeling good can make us look good.Sales people of all should no better than that.

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    1. Munir: You are ABSOLUTELY right- health should come before anything as vain as looks. Healthy people are attractive simply because of that- that they take care of themselves.

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    1. Somebody had to, and I'm so hoping those clerks learned something from that!

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  32. You are wonderful to speak up like this! It's a sad fact that there are people who judge others by their looks. You sure made the lady's day....it's wonderful to pass positive thoughts. Your post made my day too :-)

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    1. Tamago: Thank you for stopping by! I think the world in general is missing out on so much love, talent, and goodness by relegating people who don't look the norm to the "useless" bin. Really a tragic shame.

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  33. Dear Shelly,
    Your story of recovery and achieving your goal is firmly planted in my heart and mind. I feel so incredibly blessed to know you and to read the stories you share. It's heartbreaking to know how much people suffer inside. How cruel our world can be! That you called those clerks out on the mat makes me raise my fist in solidarity! People like you add love and light to this world. After reading your story, I will remember to meet people in the eyes when I see them, no matter their shape, no matter their appearance. I often have a terrible habit of averting my eyes out of a sense of insecurity about myself. I wonder if this is perceived as me not caring about other people. In fact I do care, but I worry so much about stupid things like "are they noticing my thinning spot of hair or the roll of chubbiness on my stomach, are they going to be scared away by my absence of makeup or the gray hair on my temples?" My appearance now as a forty year old woman has somehow made me more invisible. Since I don't spend a great deal of time every day perfecting my appearance, I think it does have consequences. It sometimes becomes the deciding factor in whether or not people will want to engage me in conversation, or look around for something or someone more interesting. Sometimes it leaves me less likely to reach out because I'm feeling insecure.
    I want to change that and reach out to more people in the real world instead of just online:)

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    1. Jenny: You write so eloquently about what so many of us feel: that cloak of invisibility we all imagine we have at times. As comapassionate and genuine as you are, I know you bless many people with how lovingly you treat them. We all see flaws in ourselves that usually aren't noticed by others when we meet them with love and compassion. I admire your bravery in how you constantly challenge yourself to grow and move out of your comfort zone. It inspires me to do the same.

      I am usually non-confrontational with strangers, but this made me resolve to do what I can to intervene any time I see a situation where someone is being treated unfairly, not just a situation I personally identify with.

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  34. P.S. The comment you heard that became the title of this post is probably the most hateful, cruel thing I've heard.

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    1. I almost didn't use it because it hurt me to write it, but I decided even when truth is brutal, it is truth, and that's the best key to changing things.

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