Not allowed to speak during the voir dire of the jury selection process. Confined to 1930's era seating with less leg room than most coach airline seats. My knees jammed into a decidedly unladylike position at the opposite edges of the curved, metal seat back in front of me. Long hours ticking away. My attention drifts to the fellow, unnamed jury panel members around me...
1. Ms. Perfect Hair- Your waist length hair is gorgeous. I would like to transplant your hair onto my head. I imagine all the ways I would style it should it magically appear on my head someday.
2. Mr. Rebel With a Death Wish- The unamused judge has already admonished us sternly about switching cell phones to off. Do you really think this is the 7th grade as you sit several down from me in our third row, holding your phone nonchalantly under one leg and firing off texts? You won't get a detention slip if you get busted. That Goliath sized bailiff with the shiny handcuffs at his belt won't hesitate to show you the real meaning of detention.
3. Ms. TMI- We're all a little nervous at being grilled by the already contentious defense and prosecution teams, but I feel really badly for you at the depth of detail you disclosed in a torrent of words when asked how you knew a certain witness. I'm pretty sure they didn't need to know all that...and THAT...and ESPECIALLY...t-h-a-t.
4. Mr. Tattoos R Me- I've had extended hours over two days to copiously study the anarchy A tats on your earlobes, the full sleeves on both your arms, and the fresh, albeit slightly crooked YOLO inked on the back of your neck. The way your skin reddens when you startle from your slump as the D.A. asks you if you are awake provides a vibrant backdrop to this acronym for You Only Live Once, which according to the Urban Dictionary is mainly used to "defend doing something ranging from mild to extreme stupidity." Ahem.
5. Ms. I Have Great Taste in Shoes- Those are killer heels. I ITCH wanting to find out where you've gotten them. (Uhmmm, considering the nature of this trial, perhaps I should use another adjective for the heels.)
6. Mr. I Love to Firmly Hold My Junk in My Hand- You are sitting right next to me. I built a mental wall to block you out of my peripheral vision. It's not like it's going to run away, you know.
7. Mr. I'm a Good Daddy- I melted when I saw two tiny heart frames with pictures of adorable kids in them attached to the key chain hanging off your belt loop.
8. Mr. I Defy Description- You are one of the older members of the jury panel, and I am intensely curious about your back story. Your long, gray hair is pulled back into a sparse ponytail and you wear a pair of khaki, ankle length shorts topped by a multi-hued cowboy shirt with shiny pearl buttons. Your lime green Crocs- do they make a statement about your personal style or love of comfort? You are unflappable as you surreptitiously work the New York Times crosswords, neatly folded on a clipboard you've pulled from your boxy, metal briefcase.
As we are finally released like weary dandelion seeds into a stiff wind, I thank you, fellow jury panel members. Life is only boring if you choose it to be.