Earlier this year, the father of one of my 7th graders met with me for a regular conference. He shared his new situation: that he was a single father and after having been out of work for months, had finally landed a job in the unrelenting oilfield.
"I'm so thankful to finally have a job, but it means I work sometimes seven days a week, twelve hours a day, " he said ruefully. "What concerns me the most is my boy. When my wife left, he had a big decision to make, and it was hard for him. He chose to live with me, and I don't take that lightly. I'm away, though, so much at work, that I don't want it to affect him in a bad way."
Then this stoic man with muscles forged on the oil rigs cleared his throat several times and his face reddened as he worked to keep his composure. "I don't want him to grow up hating me because of that. You know, ma'am, I am doing all I know how because I want him to know just how much I love him. He doesn't know it, but sometimes I go without lunch so I can give the money to him for his. He doesn't know that when he has games, I go without sleep just so I can see him play. Sometimes I drive an hour and a half to one of his games to just catch 15 minutes of it before I have to drive back the hour and a half to go to work... " his voice faded as he rubbed his finger on the desk.
"I do it all gladly because he's my son. What a great kid he is to be a father to. He doesn't say much, he never has, and really doesn't tell me he loves me, although I tell him everyday. I hope with my whole heart that one day he understands how strongly I feel about about him; that I would literally give my life for him."
Yesterday, his son turned in an essay to me about making decisions. I was able to read it later last night. With permission, I'm sharing a portion of it here. He started with writing about the biggest decision of his life; choosing to live with his dad over his mom.
"...I love my mom, and I always will, and I know she loves me. I guess I didn't know my dad very well when I was younger, and I wanted to know him. Now I'm getting close to him. I'm so lucky for having the dad I have. He does anything for me. I've seen him give up his own lunch money for me, even though he doesn't know that I know about it. He always thinks about me first before he ever thinks about himself.
"He's raising me right. He's taught me to play basketball, to do well in school, and to always respect my elders. Most of all, though, he spends not just his money, but his time on me. I think I am pretty rich because my dad gives me all that he has of himself, and a lot of kids don't have that.
"He says that when I grow up, I'm going to do some great things. He makes me believe that because I know he believes it.
"I'm so lucky to have someone love me the way my dad does. I hope he knows how much I love him."
When I call his dad later today to share this essay, I hope he knows, too.
<< I think I am pretty rich because my dad gives me all that he has of himself >>
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful story, Shelly! The son's statement above is key. It's not about giving money, it's about giving time; and if time is a precious commodity as it is in this household then make every minute count and give all that you have of yourself. Don't let a day pass without letting your children know that you love them through words and deeds.
<< He says that when I grow up, I'm going to do some great things. He makes me believe that because I know he believes it. >>
This is also extremely important. If parents convey the message to their children that they are nothing and nobody, chances are much greater that the kids will follow that script. At the Shady Dell, John Ettline turned many young lives around by letting kids know they were important, deserved respect and had potential. I am one of John's kids.
Thank you again for lifting us up as we head into another weekend. Have a great one, dear friend Shelly!
Shady: I, too, am so glad this boy realizes what he has. He's so quiet that I really wouldn't have figured he had such a depth of understanding in him. I just hope I won't get emotional on the phone when I talk with the dad!
DeleteWhat a lovely story of a beautiful relationship. I love the reminder that what our kids want and need most is our time. That reminder is especially timely with Christmas approaching! Once again, your words brought a tear to my eye and a tug at my heart.
ReplyDeleteFunny is Family: You know, the media would have us to believe that kids need so much material stuff to be happy. I'm so glad that this kid refutes that and proves again that they want us, not things.
DeleteA wonderful love story, beautifully presented. A lot of people are thinking about time as an expression of love. I think I've read four essays on the topic just this week, both in the blog world and on fb. All told from a different perspective, but the crux of the matter is that love is expressed through giving of oneself, one's time, rather than through the giving of things.
ReplyDeletevanilla: It's a good thing to focus on this time of year, when people literally go bankrupt buying things that have no lasting value. The real winners are the kids and parents who realize where the real value is before it's too late.
DeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteNancy: Thank you!
DeleteIn a world where so much emphasize is placed on 'stuff', this father and son got it right. And you just get the feeling that no matter what, they will be OK - mutual love and respect will see them through.
ReplyDeleteLinda: I, too, think they are going to make quite the team as he grows up~
DeleteSo heart warming, and what a good teacher you, are not only to the boy and his Dad but those of us who read and learn from your posts. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteStephen: Thank you for your very kind words, but I always think I'm more a student than a teacher.
DeleteI just took a deep breathe of fresh air . What a beautiful story and thank you for sharing it with us. sandie
ReplyDeleteSandie: With all the bad stories we see in the news these days about disfunction, this one warms my heart, too~
DeleteShelly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for another wonderful story of love and hope. Both that father and his son are more blessed than their present circumstances would indicate.
My children's father basically dropped out of our daughter's life after our divorce and remained absent for the next 25 years (to this day) and it still causes her pain. He does not write or call, rarely comes to see her. (she blogged about this just today at http://denisejhughes@wordpress.com)
The father's commitment in your story is such an example of how to do it right. Blessings to you for sharing it with us.
Marsha: It's tragic when people take part in bringing a child into the world but then abdicate their responsibilities. I'm so glad this man here has really stepped in to being a dad. I can't begin to imagine what pain it must be for people who have dads who drop out of their lives. I'm headed over to your daughter's blog~
DeleteShelly,
ReplyDeleteThis is so touching and so very moving. We always tend to hear all of the negative stuff about dads and this is a great story to show that some dads do really love their children and make tremendous sacrifices for them.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful and inspiring story with us. I hope you have a great day and I am so glad we found each other!
Jackie
Jackie: There really are good dads out there, and that's why this particular one really touched my heart.
DeleteIt is heartwarming. This young man is so lucky. I never had a dad like that. After the divorce, he wasnt there for me emotionally, financially,.etc..never came to a sports game. Probably why I quit all sports. I do not want to focus on me. Instead I stand up and applaud this father for being a great great man. Tell him he is doing everything right.
ReplyDeleteChristine: I'm so very sorry about how your dad wasn't there like he needed to be. I've often wondered how that when people divorce their spouse, they too often divorce themselves from their kids, as well.
DeleteEven out of that absence in your life, you've become a terrific, loving mom. It always makes me smile to read of your family's adventures~
Wow, I always get teary with your stories. What a beautiful and touching look into a father son relationship. The father is incredible and selfless. I think it's wonderful that his son appreciates that.
ReplyDeleteSaumya: I love it when adults actually "get" what it means to be a parent. To me, it is the true definition of selflessness, and this man understands that in the best way.
DeleteAaaw, this is another of your wonderful true-life stories, Shelly. What a lovely essay that boy wrote, and I am so happy that his dad is going to get to know just how much he is loved by his son. Take care my friend.
ReplyDeletethisisme: I'm about to go call the dad right now- can't wait for his reaction! Thank you, sweet friend-
DeleteWhat a wonderful story, Shelly: a loving, caring Dad and a son who recognizes and truly values the gifts of time and self-sacrifice that his father is giving him. I'm so glad you're able to make sure this special father knows just how much his son loves him!
ReplyDeleteDr. Kathy: I'm so glad these two recognize what they each have in the other. I'm a little disappointed- I called their house to tell him about the essay and got voicemail. It will still be a great surprise, though, for him, to know how his son feels about him~
DeleteWhat an uplifting story, Shelly. I'm so glad that the son is seeing his dad's love and that the dad will get to know about it. Truly heartwarming, thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeletejenny_o: I love that they both want the other to know the love they have. A great thing!
DeleteTHere is so much good in the world, when we choose to see it. Thank you, Shelly, for helping us see it.
ReplyDelete:-)
Pearl
Pearl: You're right- it's there- waiting to be found.
DeleteWow! This is just beautiful!! Precious moments and great love. :)
ReplyDeleteRita: A beautiful moment just like your surprise! Love moments like these~
DeleteThis brought tears to my eyes, Shelly. What a wonderful gift both of them have in each other, that much love and dedication. I can imagine that young man will do great things in life with the loving support of a dad like this!
ReplyDeletebetty
Betty: I really do think they are going to be each other's rocks for a long time to come. I love that I got to see the full circle of this~
DeleteWell, you know there isn't a dry eye in the house, don't you? (the house is your blog readers)
ReplyDeleteWow, so happy you were able to be a part of this. Proves that love and time are far more important than anything else. The young man is blessed and so very smart. Thank God for his father, this will motivate him even more to keep up his hard work and devotion to his son.
Jamie: I love seeing how deeply they both feel about each other. I wish every kid had this assurance about their parents!
DeleteThanks so much Shelly for dropping this morning. I let things get me a wee down but I picked myself up again. I even had some Christmas cheer added to my blog.
ReplyDeleteOnce again I must say I am so glad we connected. I have a new post up and there is one picture close to the bottom of our daughter that works at TAMUK.
Thanks bunches!! I can see why so many people love you!!
Jackie:-)
Jackie: It's wonderful to meet you, too, and to know that this is such a small world. I visited your blog just now and love the festive Christmas look it has. I seem to never change mine...I should, though.
DeleteTake care, my new friend!
Dearest Shelly,
ReplyDeleteWow, another LOVE STORY from you!!! This father sure raising his son with all his heart☆☆☆
Kind of in tears again, my dear Shelly. I actually have come back from my father's "care home" and cooking one of his favorite dinner now; thinking about him... He look getting weak and makes me worry recently. But he smiled at me today. I don't know if he really recognized me, though. Haha I'll stop writing about myself.
Sending you lots of love and hugs from Japan to my dear friend in America, xoxo Miyako*
Orchid: Oh, my dear friend, I am sending you a hug from all the way down here in Texas. You are such a good daughter to your dad, and I do believe he recognizes you when he smiles like that and also that he knows the love you have for him.
DeleteI love the close relationship you two have with each other. It is beautiful and powerful. I will keep your dad on my prayer list. Please take care of yourself my friend!
Thank you very much for your sweet thought♡♡♡ For a 87 years old person, the condition (which keeps ups and downs) cannot be helped. Haha, he loved "Sukiyaki" and my husband and I love it as well. I wish I could serve you.
DeleteLots of love and hugs from Japan, xoxo Miyako*
orchid: Oh, I would love to eat it with you as well, my friend!
DeleteIt is so good to read such an uplifting story, Shelly! "Light one candle for hope" as we sung today on the first Sunday of Advent. Don't we grow weary of hearing the term "dead beat dads". This young man is so blessed to have a dad who is trying his best to raise him in the right way. Thank you for sharing this, Shelly. Hope you and your family are doing well. I/we are still trying to recover from our four day Thanksgiving celebration.
ReplyDeleteCindy: Thank you, friend! I love that song, too. And thank you for the well wishes. It does seem like I am not through Thanksgiving yet and here Christmas is, already knocking at the door!
DeleteWhat a great story and just goes to show our children often notice things we don't think they do. Also good to read about one of the many millions of awesome dads out there, when often what we hear about at the dead beat dads instead.
ReplyDeleteJo-Anne: They do notice so much more than what we give them credit for...
DeleteThank you for sharing Shelly. This story was beautiful. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteJust Be Real: Thank you, friend!
DeleteThis story so touches my heart! My heart goes out to both the boy and his father, and his mother too.
ReplyDeleteJenny: His mom is a really good mom, and I think he wanted to build a relationship with his dad. I'm glad both he and the dad seem to be accomplishing that. I hope they continue~
DeleteSo beautiful! Thanks Shelly. You post the most wonderful stories.
ReplyDeleteLydia: Thank you- I love giving them a voice.
DeleteAwe ..so so sweet .
ReplyDeleteizdiher: Always good to have you here, my friend~
DeleteDear Shelly, your posting today brought tears to my eyes. And I'm sure that when you spoke to the father, he, too, cried.
ReplyDeleteThis past weekend I read the book "The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry" by Rachel Joyce. I highly recommend it to you. In this 2012 novel, you will meet a father who wasn't loved as a child and so doesn't know the way to show love and affection and cherishing to his own son. Harold goes on a trek of over 600 miles to show his gratitude to a friend from years past. The story is inspiring on many levels. Peace.
Dee: That sounds like a wonderful book and I am going to look for it on Amazon this evening. There is so much built into us in those early years based on the love we get from our parents and other nurturers. It gives me great hope when I see people like that who can become loving individuals despite not having been loved themselves.
Delete