Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Excuses, Excuses...

Back in the days of antiquity before electronic communication obliterated the fine art of the handwritten missive, I regularly received notes from parents, usually excuses for undone homework and absences. A few gems from my collection:

*All names have been changed, but otherwise the notes are transcribed verbatim.

1. "Please excuse Mark. From being at school. He had the sh*ts all night. And then I got them to."

2. "I couldn't properly oversee Mary completing her homework last night because I was incarcerated briefly, unfortunately. While driving past a policeman parked near Darcy's Olde Time Pub, I was so taken with the beauty of a stately tree that I accidentally swerved my car once or twice. Said policeman WRONGLY assumed I was inebriated and arrested me. Therefore Mary did not finish your assignment. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call me at xxx-xxxx. (But please do not call before noon. I feel generally unwell, so I will be in bed.)"

3. "Can't make the parent conference Friday. Supposed to be ovulating then. Please reschedule me for next week."

4. "If John acts up in class again, you have my permission to hit him. Just give him a swat and he won't give you any more problems."

5. "Rhonda did her homework last night, but when we got up this morning we saw the goat had ate it. I tryed to pull it out of her mouth, but she swallowed it right up."

6. "Jim was absent yesterday because he was sick. I enjoyed talking with you at Open House. Are you free Friday night? Maybe we could meet for dinner."

7. Chip won't be at school tomorrow. We are castrating some bulls and I need his help."

8. (While I was holding a wet book a student had just handed me, he gave me this note) "I am sorry your book got wet. Sammy left his backpack in the restroom last night and after he used it this morning and flushed, the whole toilet overflowed and soaked his backpack. Your book was in his backpack, and that's how your book got wet."


90 comments:

  1. These are great, Shelly, except for the one inviting you to "swat" the kid. I wish I could have used the bull castration excuse when I was in school but unfortunately I lived in suburbia! (LOL) I notice a lot of bodily function excuses in this batch also, and then there's the old standby, "the (fill in the blank with your favorite animal) ate my homework." Thanks for the laughs, dear friend Shelly. They were an education.

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    1. Shady: The overflowing toilet one was so very gross, especially since I was still holding the book in my hand. Yuck!!! And since we are in such a rural area, I've had a fair number that have to do with farm/ ranch activities. Some go way into TMI...Thank you for stopping by today- hope you all are having better weather there than we are!

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  2. Oh my gosh, I got here early!!!! And I loved the excuses. I wonder if I could make up a few and send them to God right about now...something like, "Dear God, please excuse Jenny from moving to Singapore as the live-in goat gets air sick", or something like that.

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    1. Jenny: Oh, you made me laugh! It's going to work out, whether it be new territory or familiar grounds. God's already working on it, I know!

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  3. I wiLL keep these for future reference, and may even try one later today. My father-in-law has veRy little money and tOO many goats.

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    1. esboston: There might be more students in your area who would like to "Rent-a-Goat" for their excuses...

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    2. I just realized that my F-I-Law could start a document shredding company AND feed his goats aLL in one motion. I even came up a company name: Shread 'N Fed

      Baa-aah

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    3. Sorry, that should be Shred 'N Fed

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    4. Ha!!! I LOL'ed when I read this~

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    5. At lunch yesterday I asked my F-I-Law how big his herd of goats was. He said 6 mommas, 1 daddy, 7 babies.

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    6. esboston: That's a good sized herd. They could eat a lot of homework...

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  4. Ok, those were all great, but you saved the best for last!! Was that swerving to look at that tree one for real?

    Very funny!

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    1. Jamie: It was beyond gross. I asked him why he let me hold it, with him already knowing how it got wet, and he just shrugged his shoulders. I don't think it occurred to him that someone might not want to touch it.

      And yes, the "swerver" is true- and I left out part of hers, it was actually the length of a letter. She was a university professor...

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  5. There were some funny excuses there, especially as they really were written by parents. Oh dear me! I agree that the toilet excuse was pretty gross!

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    1. thisisme: My motto is to never accept a wet book from anyone anymore!

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  6. I loved this post so very much. So funny! Were you able to keep a straight face while reading the original notes? I think I would have lost it!

    Once my dad wrote me a note excusing me from school for being sick the previous day that said: "Please excuse Amy. She can't help it." I was 13, so obviously I thought his joke was mortifying.

    My four year old dropped a library book in the toilet last year, and when I called the library to see how much it was going to cost me, they suggested I let it dry AND RETURN IT. I politely declined, and paid for the book.

    -Amy

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    1. Amy: Good grief- that makes me wonder if any book I've gotten from the library has taken a swim in the toilet...

      I can so imagine a 13 year old being traumatized by that note, but as a parent, I think it's hilarious!

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  7. As the mother of a teacher I am not surprised one bit. I do love #4 and #7. I got a good chuckle out of both of those. But, oh my goodness #8 is just terrible!!!

    I appreciate teachers so very much. Ya'll are some of America's best educated, dedicated and extremely under paid professionals. But, I won't get on that soapbox.

    I am glad you no longer handle wet books and I hope you are having a super week!

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    1. Jackie: Thank you for your kind words about teachers! And yes, I think 8 is the grossest of them all. My colleagues still tease me about that one...

      I surely am enjoying your beautiful pics- can't wait to see more!

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  8. haha so funny!! when we got our new puppy and he chewed a whole math tablet I thought no one would believe it..guess you teachers have heard it all!
    happy New Year!

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    1. Annmarie: There's not too much that would surprise me anymore, but I guess never say never...

      Happy New Year to you, too!

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  9. ... and that's how your book got wet.

    :-)

    I LOLed at my desk.

    Pearl

    p.s. So there, Toots! Whaddaya doin' Friday night?! :-)

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    1. Pearl: For you, my dear, I'm always free. And I will never, for as long as I live, ever, willingly touch a wet book again!

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  10. Life would be pretty boring without these sorta people on our planet.
    Sometimes I feel too normal.

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    1. Christine: And they live and walk amongst us. You are just right, my friend.

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  11. I used to work in the school system for 15 years and now my daughter teaches. Isn't it amazing what you see and hear?

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    1. Sandie: It never ceases to amaze me...

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  12. These are all so funny! The first one has to be my favorite. Absolutely hilarious!! Some people know no shame.

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    1. Jenn: Truly, they don't know shame and they don't have boundaries! SO good to see you in blogland again!

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  13. I love teaching stories and experiences. When you're around kids as much as you have been, you must have quite a collection. I especially enjoyed the cavalier dad who wanted to have dinner on Friday night. Awesome.

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    1. karen: Some folks really take the cake, don't they? There are a couple more notes I could have included, but decided they were really too bad to print.

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  14. Oh gosh, what makes these funny is they are actually true excuses; you/fellow teachers need to collect these all and make a book about them :)

    betty

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    1. Betty: I'm thinking it would be a fun summer project. I know others who have so many more of these excuses they've collected~

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  15. When I was an art professor I had a student tell me he hadn't done the assignment because the wind had changed at the coast and his mother needed his help scattering his brother's ashes. A great excuse, except I happened to know he didn't have a brother.

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    1. Stephen: Now that one took a little imagination, I'll have to admit. It sounds like he created a whole back story for that one~

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  16. One of the perks of teaching, I'm convinced - my mother was also a teacher, and she always wished she had kept the excuses she got so she could write a book when she retired!

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    1. jenny_o: It is one of the nice little bonuses..if only these folks knew that these notes they wrote are still bringing smiles. And I do wish I had saved more of them!

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  17. These are gems, Shelly. How awesome is the one from the lady who was arrested for swerving while admiring the beauty of a "stately tree," certainly not because she was drunk! Some people are the only ones who buy what they're sellin.'

    I have to admit that I took my daughter five minutes late to school once this year. The office made me sign her in for being five minutes late and state a reason for our tardiness. I wrote, "We were slowpokes this morning" in the tardy child register. The secretaries now practically high-five me when I walk into the school office for something. I try to amuse, but I see from your post I am an amateur! ;-)

    Thanks for the chuckle. Be well...

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    1. Janette Dolores: Good for you! I'd so much rather an excuse be honest than have to read untrue garbage. I am sure they do love you at your daughter's school. And yes, that woman was the only one who believed her intricate lie.

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  18. Dearest Shelly,
    Oh, I enjoyed your collections of excuses; haha they really are gems, my friend. Was the third one real(*^_^*)
    PS> yes, been to a doctor and I had a shot, whew... Still have a sore throat and runny nose(^^;) but slowly getting better.
    Love you always from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

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    1. orchid: I am so glad you are feeling better, my dear friend Miyako! And yes, they all happened! Some people share far too much information and sometimes it leaves me shaking my head. Love and hugs to you~

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  19. These are so funny! Even more so knowing they are true! Matt even pulled up a chair to read with me when he heard me laughing. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Nancy: They do provide some entertainment, especially when they don't involve me handling a wet book!

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  20. Holey moley, you are funny. #1 is priceless all by itself.

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    1. Lydia: I don't think the mom in #1 even knew so many of the words she used were considered impolite.

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  21. Oh Shelly these notes had me laughing out loud. Interesting excuses but they all seem possible. People are very forthcoming with honesty.:0 B

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    1. Buttons: Sometimes I wish they wouldn't be so honest!

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  22. Holy crap that's the funniest things I've read all week and I blog hop A LOT.

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    1. Julie: Thanks for stopping by- regular people like these note writers provide some pretty good entertainment, don't they?

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  23. Hi Shelley!

    I kept laughing as the excuses went on! Hilarious! But, really? Asking you out?

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    1. Nas: I still wonder about him- ugh.

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  24. Ok some parents make you wonder what they were thinking when they wrote the note but what about the notes that the child wrote trying to pass off as from mum or dad........

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    1. Jo-Anne: I've had those, too. One kid misspelled his dad's name in the signature, and another, a girl who was forging a note for her boyfriend, misspelled his last name. They are always so shocked when caught...

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  25. HA!!!! that's the biggest LOL I've had for a while. Xx

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    1. Michelle: And there are more where those came from - I didn't want to make it too long!

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  26. #6 Oh, my word. #8 again, oh, my word!

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    1. vanilla: Both are pretty repulsive!

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  27. Darling humanity! lol Sawyer once held his paper too close to the stove (gas) when trying to show me something while I was making dinner and it caught fire. That was fun to explain!

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    1. Chantel: Oh my- I'm sure the teacher enjoyed hearing about it, though! We don't often get too many stories that are creative/ interesting. That would be memorable~

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  28. Excuses are so funny. My students will send me emails with full details of their reasons for not attending class, some that are super personal. I'm totally okay with, "I couldn't make it to class today for health reasons." I really don't need to know about your diarrhea.

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    1. Missed Periods: Oh, I know what you mean. The TMI mini-lesson should be taught at the beginning of each year...

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  29. I NEVER laugh out loud at ANY blog I have ever read. Okay, maybe one other but that was a long time ago. You've just had me in fits of laughter all the way down that read. Excellent!

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    1. Lady M: Thank you! I don't often write humor, so I appreciate your kind words~

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  30. Thanks for sharing. These seem too funny to be true but I am sure they are !

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    1. Munir: Sadly, they are! Thank you, friend~

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  31. Yay...I'm back! Bonus round? I get to read and comment on your great posts...without squinting and mooshing fingers on the iPhone! Loved the excuses, I may or MAY NOT have used one or two for my kids. Can't say...I'm not sure if the Statute of Limitations or would you prefer Statue of Limitations, lol has ended with the graduations.
    Hugs and Wahoo!

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    1. Suuuuushhhhhhhh!!!: So glad you are back in blogland!!! What a grand day this is. Heehee- I may have had a few excuses with my kiddoes, too, and I still have one in high school, so my lips are sealed! Welcome back, my friend~

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  32. OMG!! These are priceless! I'm glad you have kept them. :):)

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    1. Rita: I have more, so there may be a part 2!

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  33. This is hysterical. I'm sharing on Facebook.

    You should take out the parentheses because they'd be funnier and they speak for themselves.

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  34. Replies
    1. Sharon: He was a typical ranch kid, so he was probably used to it- glad it wasn't me, though!

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  35. Loved these, especially the ovulating one! I have to remember that one for next time!

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    1. Bossy Betty: You never know when a good excuse will come in handy...

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  36. These are a scream. I saw one once that said "Sally wasn't at school yesterday because she had a acre in her side."

    It's been too longs since I've visited Shelly. I'll do better.
    Rick

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    1. Rick: Ha! That sounds like something that would come from my neck of the woods. Good to hear from you!

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  37. The goat often ate my homework. Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm going to follow you, and I hope you follow me, too.

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    1. Janie: He did mine, too! Well, actually, mine was a calf who liked to eat paper, but it did happen. And I am your newest follower~

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  38. These are great!
    So how did we become the greatest nation in the world? :)
    It must be the balance of the all the "different" kinds of people who live here.

    Collect enough of these and you have a book.

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    1. Anita: I agree- our strength is in our differences. I do have some more- we'll have to see how many more I get this year!

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  39. OMG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, Totally loved them :D

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    1. LoLy: I admit that I have to laugh at even the gross ones!

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  40. Those were really good. The lies parents will tell to protect their kids. My wife, refused to do that. My teachers never had a problem with my notes, because starting in the sixth grade, I wrote and signed them myself. I usually don't do this, but in this case, it relates to your post. If you have the time and/or inclination, here's a link to the whole story...
    http://patricktillett.blogspot.com/2009/08/flunking-8th-grade.html

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    1. Pat: I had to laugh out loud. At least you signed them yourself! And I love to read personal memoirs, so I am headed off to read your story now~

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  41. Hi Shelly, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from Finding the Funny.

    Wow. Just wow. Hysterical! I just shared this on FB. I think I was probably the author of note #5. Kidding.
    Or am I...?

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh. If you ever get a chance, stop over to my blog to say hi! Have a great day…

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    1. Anne: So that was you! Thanks for stopping by. I'm headed over to yours right now~

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  42. You know that the last one is the best. Oh and the goat. I haven't heard many my dog ate it excuses but the latest is that the mother or randomly, the mother's friend, went into their room to "clean" and threw it out. That is a very regular excuse. The mother and her friend who throw all of the incomplete papers away. Found you at finding the funny.

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    1. Sparkling: Ha! I've heard variations of that, too, always having to do with cleaning. My dad was cleaning the car, my sister was cleaning my room, and whoever it is always throws away the homework. The one with the goat actually had the goat and her baby living inside the house...

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