How to Entertain Your Teacher on a Field Trip

Dude, listen up. If you're a teenager going on a field trip, especially a 13 hour one, here are some cool things you can do to entertain your teachers. Those teachers work hard for you, and they deserve some fun in their lives.

1. In the dark hours of the morning before the sun has come up, open the sack lunch your mom made for you. Pry open the sandwich, see that it is tuna, decide you don't want it, and stick the sandwich under your seat. Later on in the day, when the temperature is over 100 and the bus air conditioner has quit working, your teacher will have a great time searching for what is creating that crazy smell.

2. With a group of your friends, sing The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars over and over and over and over and over again until it sticks so well in your teachers' brains they cannot get it out of their heads and are haunted by it. They need good music in their lives, too.

3. Especially if you are male, engage your other male classmates in a silent-but-deadly fart off contest. It is automatic disqualification if any one makes a noise with it. Your teacher will appreciate you keeping those around you quiet.

3. In the restroom of the museum, wait until your teacher is fully engaged in her stall. Then, loudly yell out, "OMG! Annie just walked out of the museum with a strange man!" Annie is your best friend in the 8th grade and you don't want to see harm come to her. When your teacher bolts out of the bathroom stall, wild-eyed, and Annie walks out of another stall in the bathroom, just shrug and say, "Oops, my bad. Must have been someone else." Teachers need more excitement in their lives.

4. In the middle of a freeway you and your class are having to cross on foot in one of the largest cities in the U.S., stop in the center of the freeway, place your folder between your knees and take your jacket off to readjust it. Move slowly when your teacher implores you to hurry. Your rural upbringing has made you savvy to the ways of traffic in large cities and you want your teacher to know you are mature enough to handle it.

5. Repeatedly motion to passing 18 wheelers to honk their loud diesel horns. This will break up the monotony of a quiet bus and your teacher will appreciate you keeping it lively.

6. If a classmate in the back of the bus throws up in the aisle, stare at it as it sloshes past long enough so that you throw up, as well. Your teacher will be happy that her lesson about empathy for others has taken hold in your heart.

7. When your bus driver drops your group off at a Jack in the Box that is a gathering place for scary/homeless/tranny/crackheads, smile widely at some of the citizens therein while your teachers organize the back of the line. When one approaches you and begins talking nonsense, remember your teacher's admonition to you not to talk to strangers. Reach in your backpack and find the information paper on the field trip you were supposed to have given your mom, you know, the one with your teacher's personal cell phone number on it. Give it to the crackhead tranny, because this person probably just wants information on your trip.

8. Later, on the bus ride home, when your teacher's cell phone rings and she becomes agitated, hangs up, and asks who gave a crackhead her phone number, let her know that it is probably the cool person you met at the Jack in the Box. She's been teaching you all about characterization, and she will be happy that you found a very interesting person to write about.

9. Write a note of thanks to your teachers for taking you and your classmates on the field trip and get everyone to sign it. You've had a great day and you want them to know it.

10. Smile widely when you see how much it has melted their hearts.