Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Simple Treacheries, or The Sidewalk’s Got Your Number (And a Giveaway!)



I have just finished reading a book that caused me laugh. And not just laugh, but laugh heartily out loud. It's written by my good friend, Pearl. What Superman is to regular mortals, Pearl is to the blogging world. She has posted daily with wisdom and always great wit for several years now. Her newest book, The Second Book of Pearl, THE CATS, is available for purchase now by going to her site, Pearl- Why You Little... 


The following post by Pearl is a sample of her wryly hilarious musings. Pearl's comments on her posts are just as hilarious as the posts themselves, so get your two cents in after you read this post. And get yourself a great Christmas present with her book. You'll love it.

And, in my first ever giveaway, leave a comment and I will draw a name this Sunday evening to win an autographed copy of The Second Book of Pearl. (Autographed by Pearl, not me!)


I’ve lived in the Upper Midwest for what has been, oh, all my life now; and, as a citizen of this part of the world, I feel I am obligated to speak regarding the duplicity of everyday objects and the role that the weather plays in their treachery.

I refer, in this instance, to the sidewalk.

One expects, after all, certain things of a sidewalk.  That it be level, that it be slightly rough, that one may walk along it without thought – these are not unreasonable expectations of your average city sidewalk. 

One also expects that said sidewalk will never be the cause of us flying forward in an embarrassing and less-than-graceful manner, requiring us to pick small rocks out of our palms. 

One never expects the sidewalk of deceit.

Until winter.

As a lifelong resident of Minnesota, I must tell you:  The winter sidewalk is a place of betrayal, of potential humiliation and the sudden need for a seamstress.  Having passed spring, summer, even fall without having given the sidewalk a second thought, we are forced, come winter, to look down, to give it our full attention. 

And the sidewalk?

The sidewalk doesn’t appreciate being ignored.

Disregard her, will you, for three out of four seasons? 

Well, we’ll take care of that. 

The sheen of an ice slick marks the course of a melt going on somewhere uphill and awaits your ill-considered step.  A poorly shoveled path by your thoughtless and no doubt misanthropic neighbor stands between you and the next patch of dry, almost grail-like cement.  The very pitch of a stretch of sidewalk, adorably askew in the summer, the massive roots of an oak laughingly pushing the cement aside, now looks like an invitation to a bruised tailbone.

The sidewalk, she laughs.

I considered all of this as I picked myself up the other day, picking gravel from my flesh.

The sidewalk, I thought.  I must tell the people.

And so I have.

Warn the others.

And tell them Pearl sent you.



Pearl, Why You Little… is posted daily and runs the gamut of short stories about the seasons, commuting via city bus, corporate cubicle-ism, the abuse heaped upon her by her cats, and, infrequently, the state of her laundry.  Stop by!

48 comments:

  1. That Pearl, she sure is funny.

    :-)

    Thank you for letting me guest-post, Shelly. For you, I'm always available.

    Pearl

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    1. Pearl: She's a good 'un, that girl. I'm still laughing- and muchas gracias, mi amiga!

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  2. I agree with Pearl (above). That Pearl, she sure is funny, a Pearl of a girl dispensing Pearls of wisdom. Mercifully, it has been 28 years since I've had to scrape a windshield or negotiate an icy, root buckled sidewalk, but I remember all too well and experience flashbacks when I see news footage of winter weather up north. Thanks for the laughs, Pearl and Shelly!

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    1. You're welcome, Shady! :-) I shall continue to wander the streets up here and report back. Nothing has changed, but every winter, it seems new. :-)

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  3. Our Canadian sidewalks must be closely related to your Minnesota ones, the same twisted, heaved, ice-covered diabolical homicidal pieces of concrete!! Get yer Trax, Pearl. They might be ugly, and you might fall over trying to take them off and put them on at the door (or else they'll chew up your floors), but you'll laugh at icy sidewalks. Or so the ads say. Your mileage may vary :) Shelley, you can probably continue to wear sandals :)

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  4. I live for humor! I also love ice and winter. I know..weird weird weird.

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  5. I would love to win the Pearl give away a book contest because she is one of my favorite people, even if she is from Minnesota.

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  6. We all could sure use some laughs right now. I am even smiling at the words "Why you little ..." after Pearl's name. Usually sweet words do not follow this phrase and even thinking about that is making me laugh right now. I know, sick. :-D

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  7. Hmmm. A nice companion-piece to my copy of the first book of Pearl. I should be so lucky.

    The sidewalk, indeed, will have you lying prone as she lies quicker than you can think it.

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  8. How gracious of Pearl to pick gravel out of her hand long enough to autograph her newest book. I'd love to win this. As a fellow-humor writer, I like to read how funny my competition is!

    Keep up the laughs, Pearl--we need all of them we can muster right now.

    Thanks and Happy Christmas,
    Jen

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  9. I have been a follower of Pearl for ages she is so bloody funny and this guess post shows it and would I love to have a copy of her book bloody oath I would........

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  10. Pearl is a real gem and I can't go a day without my daily dose of her musings!

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  11. Pearl, you can move the girl out of her blog - but you can't take the blog out of the girl - as ever you are simply you -- class in a glass

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  12. Living in Ohio, I am also very familiar with those evil winter sidewalks. Great post, Pearl!

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  13. Pearl sounds like my type of Chook.... a gem and raw jewel. xx

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  14. Minnesota born and bred, but now living in Fargo, I can relate to the lurking sidewalk dangers. I shall have to check out her blog. :)

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  15. Thank you. I adore Pearl's postings and you have given me two in the one day. Which makes it a red letter day.

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  16. Summer, winter...sidewalks are pretty much the same all year round in Australia, yet one must never become complacent about walking on them. I myself have come too close and personally acquainted with the sidewalk twice in recent years. Full body slam, both times. Now I watch where my feet are landing and hope that others will walk around me.

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  17. My great amusement is to sit on my porch with hemp and rum near at hand watch people navigate the sidewalk in front of my house which (truth) rises 18 inches due to tree roots beneath it, and if they make it over uninjured i offer them a shot of rum...though the young kids have to go without rum or hemp. Most of them never make it over uninjured anyway. Damn Detroit is to busy lining billionaire pockets and trough sniffing to fix their concrete.

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  18. I love Pearl! She is such a hoot and a gifted writer too!

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  19. Awww! Now here's a lovely pick-me-up! :-) Thank you so much, all of you. Happy Holidays to all: dinner with family and friends and the promise of the coming new year.

    Skol!

    Pearl

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  20. Thanks for the warning Pearl. I'm not leaving the house until "the thaw"!

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  21. PS I LOVE those red boots at the top of the page!

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    1. Daisy: Thank you! I wore them just two days ago and I love them~

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  22. Yes, sidewalks can hurt, but they are so sensuously smooooth. This frozen, lumpy ground hurts my ankles.

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  23. Ah, sidewalk! Thy name is treachery!

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  24. I have experienced icy sidewalks in my day while living in New York. Hugs to you.

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  25. I love to read Pearl. Being from Michigan I know all about the sidewalks and the parking lots and especially the stop sign on the corner of Sheperd and Sheldon where there still lies tiny bits of the front end of a white malibu circa 2000.

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  26. Dearest Shelly,
    As I'm a Japanese living in Japan and I think it is a lot to do to send it for me if by any chance, I will leave the chance to other your friend. However I became her follower :))) Oh, sidewalk and she is a wonderful writer like you♡♡♡
    I really hope you and your wonderful family will have a blessed season, my friend.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

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    1. orchid: Yes, she is a terrific writer and I'm so glad you stopped by! Thank you for your always sweet wishes, my dear friend Miyako, and I hope you are enjoying all the blessings of the end of the year. Stay warm!

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  27. such truth to that story, which is why it's so funny!

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  28. So true, Pearl I don't trust sidewalks (or pavements as we quaintly call them in the UK) at any season. I swear that in my dress-up-for-work days the pavement would wait until I was wearing a new pair of tights to stick up a little, almost invisible bump in an otherwise flat surface, just to send me flying. Sigh....

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  29. I grew up in Michigan and know those sidewalks! We liked to use them as ice rinks.

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  30. I love Pearl! I've been following her blog for a couple of years or more, and I have her first book. The post above is a wonderful example of her excellent writing skills. and I would so love to win her book...my budget is bare!

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  31. "The winter sidewalk is a place of betrayal, of potential humiliation and the sudden need for a seamstress."

    You have a way with words. Totally laughed about this one!

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  32. Pearl is not only one of the funniest women in the world, she is also one of the most prolific. I like to think I occasionally write some good stuff, but keeping up to Pearl would leave me gasping for breath with blistered typing fingers. Why she isn't the female equivalent of Dave Barry - that is, published daily or semi-daily in a gazillion newspapers and obscenely compensated - I have no idea. She IS that good, though.

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  33. Good Grief - I am so late to the party! Have been far away taking care of distant Christmas obligations and have missed Pearl. (There's nothing like a daily dose of Pearl I always say) And now I've discovered your lovely website Shelly. Happy Christmas!

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    1. Camille: Thank you, and welcome! Merry Christmas!

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  34. Good Grief - I am so late to the party! Have been far away taking care of distant Christmas obligations and have missed Pearl. (There's nothing like a daily dose of Pearl I always say) And now I've discovered your lovely website Shelly. Happy Christmas!

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  35. Just the word Minnesota makes me shiver! I would be falling left and right on those icy sidewalks.

    Happy New Year!

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  36. I have been following "Pearl you little" for a couple of years now. It does put a smile on your face when you need it the most.
    Merry Christmas to you and your love ones. May the angels protect every one.

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  37. Thank you to all! I will be holding the drawing this evening at 7:00 PM (or thereabouts) for Pearl's new book and will post the winner here and on Pearl's post in the AM.

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  38. Thank you, Grace! The merriest of Christmases to you, my friend~

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  39. Great guest post! Pearl is one of my faves!

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  40. I will go there now!
    Merry Christmas!!

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