Thursday, April 11, 2013

Confiscated Items in My Desk Drawer

As I count down the final weeks of my teaching career before my retirement, I am going through my posts on teaching. This is a repost with some updates from my early days of blogging.

Almost every teacher has one; a drawer to store things that have been confiscated from students and/or items abandoned and left unclaimed in the classroom. I saw my little stash from last year hidden away in the back of a bottom drawer. Probably nowhere else on earth except another teacher's drawer does this combination of items exist.

1. A giant Mickey Mouse pencil. Nothing wrong with having a large pencil except when you are shoving it up alternating nostrils for the amusement of your friends. FYI- I handled it only with a paper towel and disinfected it with my trusty Germ-x before stashing it.

2. A Mexican wrestler's mask and cape. The story of how I acquired that would take too long to relate here, but suffice to say it's not cool to sneak up behind your teacher while wearing it and yell, "Arriba!".

3. A neon pink condom. Still in wrapper. (Thankfully). It was left under a table and has a boy's name written in ink on it, but I suspect it was a joke sprung on him.

4. A latex glove blown up like a balloon with the letters YOLO written on the fingers. The owner found that while you may only live once, you can also spend what seems like a lifetime in detention if you throw it from the window of the bus when the principal walks past.  

5. A People magazine with Heidi Montag in a swimsuit on the cover, detailing her many plastic surgeries and her huge breast implants. It's always suspicious when a group of boys is huddled around a table, staring down at something hidden from view, and then they immediately jump up when the teacher nears, smile and (poorly) pretend nothing is happening. I think the pictures of Heidi might still have traces of their drool on them.

6. A plastic wind-up penis that hops madly when fully wound, complete with a smiley face on it.

7. A laser pointer that was being directed at girls' chests one day on the way in from lunch. The owner assured me he had no idea it was on or that it had accidentally been aimed at the girls, but that he would never THINK of doing such a thing on purpose, ever.

8. An old book of prayers in Spanish. I guess the prayers were learned/ answered and so the book wasn't needed anymore and thus left behind in my room.

9. A pair of false eyelashes that extend at least 3/4" from the eyes. The poor girl who had them didn't know how to properly apply them and they continually fell off. She kept trying to stick them back on until the whole class was wrapped up in her drama instead of their work.

One thing I confiscated but didn't keep very long was the item in a small brown paper bag a quiet girl brought to school one day. She called me over before class and asked if I wanted to see what was in her bag. I assumed she had an interesting item for lunch, so I dutifully peeked in. The girl had been hunting with her family over the weekend and gotten her first deer. Inside was a fresh deer's tail. The principal's horror at seeing it equaled my own as she and I debated what to do with it. The girl's dad eventually came up to get it that morning.

So there it is; the good, the bad, and the just plain weird of what is in that drawer. Time to clean it out.

96 comments:

  1. About #3, I am wondering how soon do they start buying or keeping these things. #1. Also sounds disgusting but I guess he is a boy still. Nice to read this post. I may have read it earlier but with my memory, I am not surprised that I don't recall reading it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Munir: Yes, a lot of this was disgusting! Although, I do think I'm going to miss it when I leave~

      Delete
  2. I would love to experience the delightful aroma emanating from your drawer, dear Shelly! :) I once dated a girl who carried ALL of those items in her purse! :) As Paul Petersen sang, "she couldn't find her keys." I'll never forget the time my mother caught me looking at one of my dad's Playboy magazines and gave me a good scolding. I was 37 at the time! :) Thanks for the smiles and laughs, dear friend Shelly. I hope I gave you a couple in return.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shady: Ha!!! I'm still laughing~ and the purse I carry right now is probably big enough to stow most of that, as well. I need to downsize! Have a wonderful week in your sunny part of the world~

      Delete
  3. haha... Oh my goodness! Laughing so hard at the wind up, smiley faced penis. Such a funny post! That desk drawer sure has a lot of stories to tell. Congratulations on your upcoming retirement! I know you will miss it but you're leaving with so many wonderful memories and fun stories to share and that is such a blessing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenn: I may have to take that whole drawer with me when I go, and all the secrets it holds!

      Delete
  4. I've seen that wind-up penis. :-)

    But the deer tail. Speak to me of the deer tail. As a souvenir? Seriously, I've never heard of such a thing...

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pearl: :) As far as the deer tail, I have no clue why in the world she would have thought it worthy to bring...still leaves me kind of speechless. Her dad is a big hunter, so I can only assume that's a custom in their family.

      I will always ask what it is first if someone ever asks me to look into a brown paper bag again.

      Delete
  5. Well I can see your job has never been boring:) It is very interesting to see what comes into a classroom I may have had a few little surprises in drawers of teachers long ago as I remember but nothing as strange as now a day:) Oh Retirement is going to be so much fun for you and us who will get to read all about your teaching experiences. B

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Buttons: Not many dull moments at all! I will have to work to keep my mind limber since I won't have as many surprises when I'm retired...

      Delete
  6. Oh my God, the first items were ok, but that last deer's tail really got me. Now you just reminded me of something that happened many decades ago; I might post about it. How did you manage not to laugh at the jumping penis with the happy face?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lorna: Oh, I hope you do post about it! I'm sure it would be a great read.

      It was VERY difficult not to laugh at loud...

      Delete
  7. Wow! You have some interesting items! I think you handled the deer tail well. I think I would've vomited on the spot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherry: To say I was stunned would be an understatement~

      Delete
  8. I would like the wind-up penis, please. I could probably entertain myself for hours, watching it hop around. I'm very easily amused. As for the deer's tail -- bleah. When I volunteered at The Hurricane's elementary school, one of the other volunteer moms told me that a girl she was helping had shown her the dead mouse she had in her backpack. It's a good thing she didn't show it to me. I would still be screaming, and that was almost 20 years ago. A fascinating post, as always.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janie: If someone showed me a dead mouse, I'd still be running down the highway, too! Yuck! The deer tail was such a stunner that I was momentarily rendered speechless, a very rare event!

      Delete
  9. Reading through the other comments..people are intrigued with the deer tail. ME TOO!
    That is really a crazy but fun list. You keep life interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christine: I can honestly say that is the WEIRDEST thing I've ever had a student bring to school. I'm glad it was a one time occurrence...

      Delete
  10. What a variety of stuff--and what patience you have;). I so admire teachers! Congrats on your retirement, btw!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maria: Thank you- still can't believe it's almost here!

      Delete
  11. Oh. My. Goodness! Some I smiled at, others I fell out of my chair over. You get a trophy for sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeanette: If I wouldn't have lived it, I wouldn't believe I could end up with all that!

      Delete
  12. Hi Shelly. My goodness me, what an array of things in that drawer..each one made me smile. You are going to miss all that I'm sure! I'm sure you will get an amazing send off when the time for you to leave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thisisme: I truly will miss it (well, not the deer tail), and I honestly can't imagine yet what life will be like when it's over. But I know life will continue to be good. Thank you, my friend!

      Delete
  13. OH, gosh, I remember this post, it's still funny the 2nd time!! I think the wind up penis is new? Gosh...again, makes me happy I homeschool, I confiscate items every day, but none like you have--ever. Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jamie: That one I've had, but the Mexican wrestler's mask and cape are new this year. And I'm thankful you won't have to mess with some of the stuff that's in that drawer!

      Delete
  14. A pink condom and a piece of tail---they don't pay teachers enough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stephen: No, they don't...they truly don't!

      Delete
  15. OMG! The laser? Only boys could think of this! I remember this post-was hilarious!

    Nas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nas: Yes, only the mind of an adolescent boy could come up with some of this stuff!

      Delete
  16. I missed this the first time, so I'm glad you reposted.

    It seems to me that there are a lot of hormonally-driven items on that list!! My mom was a teacher; I should ask her sometime what things she had to confiscate from her junior high students :) Fun post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jenny_o: I would love to hear your mom's stories- they would certainly hold my attention!

      Delete
    2. If I hear some good ones, I'll report back :)

      Delete
    3. jenny_o: Great! Really would love to hear them~

      Delete
  17. Dearests Shelly,
    Wow, they sure are quite a collection and I AM willing to help you to tidy up your drawer when you need to take them at the time of your retirement(*^_^*) I was curious about how Ms. Heidi Montag looks and checked pc page; she sure is a beautiful lady♡♡♡ I only wish there would be a way to make me taller not the surgery like her; my taking growth hormone was too late when teenager p;) I smiled with the small brown paper bag, my friend. The tail must have been kid of precious for her full of lovely memory hunting with her family. She wanted YOU to see it; that's lovely, isn't it♬♬♬ I understand you didn't keep it long in you drawer, though, haha. I hope you are going to have a wonderful coming weekend.
    Sending you lots of love and hugs from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miyako: Oh, my dear friend, that would be wonderful if you ever visited my classroom and helped me clean out that drawer!

      You are beautiful as you are, and certainly much better looking than Heidi Montag or any of the other Hollywood folks who thinks they have to resort to so much surgery!

      Yes, she was proud of that deer tail. I never expected to see anything like that in that paper bag. I was so glad her dad came and picked it up before too much time passed.

      Have a terrific weekend!
      xo

      Delete
    2. Oh, my; I must have forgot the part of her dad picking it up soon while writing the comment(^^;)
      Anyway, happy that you didn't have much trouble with it p;) Love, xoxo Miyako*

      Delete
    3. Miyako: Yes, it could have been much worse if he hadn't been so quick about coming to get it!

      Delete
  18. Hi Shelly, Elliot and I are cracking up at the image of the Mexican Wrestler startling you from behind. He said, "that must have scared the "h" out of her!"
    "H" meaning Heck.

    Middle school is not for the weak or for the sensitive, easily embarrassed folk. My daughter called me every week from the over-crowded public city school during eighth grade to pick her up. We discovered that as long as she made it to 11:00 her attendance was not affected. This is how she survived it, and I have great memories of those few extra hours of mom and daughter time. Sometimes we just went shopping, to the park, or went home to rest. I'm thankful for those stolen hours now, since she lives so far away. She remembers those afternoons too, and called one day just to say thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenny: Ha! Elliot got the true picture because it scared me more than I can describe! He's so funny~

      I feel for your daughter and the other kids like her. Middle school just shouldn't be that, but it so often is. I'm so glad you two were able to capture grace in the midst of a hard time and share those moments together. What a great thing to do, and make something beautiful out of something that was not.

      Delete
  19. That's quite a collection, Shelly. I feel happy that you were wise enough to understand that the condom was probably planted on someone for a joke.

    Maria's Book Blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maria: The boy who's name was written on it never said anything about it (I'm sure he was too embarrassed) but I wish I had known who did that to him because I would have had some words with them.

      Delete
  20. That is some collection of "stuff." I am going to ask our son about the deer tail. Yuck!!! I am thrilled for your retirement, but sad the school district is losing such a treasure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nonnie: And oh, my, never did I think I would end up with some of these things. And yes, if your son knows anything about that, please share! My husband is a hunter, and he hadn't heard of it at all. Yuck!

      Delete
  21. Yeah so weird and some really yucky things the deer tail gives me the creeps makes one wonder what her parents were thinking letting her take it to school.............

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jo-Anne: The dad said he didn't know she had taken it, but still...

      Delete
  22. What a curious combination. Snot covered pencils, pink condoms and jumping penises? Hilarious!!

    xx Jazzy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jazzygal: I'm sure a combination never to be replicated again anywhere, and at any place in time!

      Delete
  23. What tame times they were in which I worked in school. My stash consisted largely of water guns. I got rid of the girlie magazines immediately lest someone stumbling across the stuff misinterpreted. Oh, wait. Did I write "tame" and "guns" in the same paragraph?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. vanilla: Ha! Very good point. And I never would have thought People magazine would be one that would become what they turned it into, but I suppose where there's a will, there's a way.

      Delete
  24. Well, I say this, you've definately had some interesting characters in your class over the years. If you're sentimental about these treasures,you couls take pictures and make a scrapbook...but one of them at least, I would just forget...no need for stuff like that in a memory book. (-:

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda: Absolutely! I actually don't think I'm going to keep any of them~

      Delete
  25. This is hilarious! What an interesting combination of items. I can't imagine seeing the tail in that bag--how shocking!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elisa: It was so shocking I couldn't even speak for a bit after I realized what it was~

      Delete
  26. If you know me well enough, you'd understand why I can't get past #3 without bursting out with laughing fits!!

    I bet you're getting anxious and still...maybe a bit wondering if you should retire?!!! I know I was that way.

    Been busy here in Texas, sorry for the delay in paying you a visit. Hope your weekend is going well for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HOOTIN ANNI: Yes, I really go through a roller coaster of emotions even in a single day; thinking about how happy I am to be starting on a new chapter, and then getting weepy because I am going to miss the kids so much. I hope these next 5 weeks will go smoothly...

      Delete
  27. Oh wow...sounds as if you have some funny stories from your teaching career!! You should write a memoir :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Optimistic Existentialist: I do have enough for several volumes!

      Delete
    2. It would be a New Yoprk Time's Best Seller :)

      Delete
    3. Optimistic Existentialist: Ha! Maybe for the genre of weird...

      Delete
  28. What a collection! You'll certainly have loads of memories when you retire. You should write about them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Connie: There are lots of memories, and maybe I'll get around some day to writing them down. Thank you!

      Delete
  29. wow..that is a remarkable mix of a collection...and it seems at least one blog post and story for every item!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Annmarie: Ha! That is probably true~

      Delete
  30. Shelly,
    I chuckled again at some of the "confiscated items" - AND your hilarious descriptions of them. :) I hope your retirement is all that you want it to be. We are sure enjoying ours up here in the foothills these past few months. Enjoy the "winding down" phase.
    Have a happy Monday. - Marsha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marsha: This winding down part is really an emotional time as I fluctuate between giddy and really knowing how much I am going to miss my students, but I am looking forward to beginning a new chapter. Thank you!

      Delete
  31. Well isn't that a fascinating sample of life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lydia: I'm sure I will never have it as fascinating when I am retired!

      Delete
  32. Wow - what a collection! I've got one of those wind up penises. Mine doesn't have a smiley face though. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda: The 8th grader I picked it up from did not have a smiley face at all, either!

      Delete
  33. OMG! A wind up penis and a deer's tail. Amazing! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rita: And you probably never thought you'd be using those two things in the same sentence!

      Delete
  34. I could not believe, even for minute, that you made any of those up. That is the rickety perfection found only in truth. Mexican wrestling...oh my god you must be the coolest teacher that anyone would even THINK of doing that to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Therese: He scared me so bad I almost fell over backwards. Now I might have to wear it myself.

      Delete
  35. Are you sure you want to retire? If you do, how will you get your hands on Mexican wrestling costumes, wind-up penises, and snotty pencils? I'll take that laser pointer off of your hands...those things are FUN! And I promise not to point them at eyes or privates. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy: I probably will never have another job that will allow me to acquire such interesting collections!

      Delete
  36. I hate to admit that the ones with the sexual connotations are very funny... a wind up, hopping penis - LOL. However, the tail from a newly dead deer might have all the rest beaten... Ewww... Good one! Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anita: I learned to never assume I'd seen everything!

      Delete
  37. I wasn't expecting that at all! You can tell it's not an elementary school!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Those are some of the weirdest items I have ever heard of in a desk! But wow, what a great blog post you got out of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mama: Truly the stuff of weirdness!

      Delete
  39. I'm disappointed that they found Heidi so attractive post surgery; I thought she was so much cuter before. Kids these days!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Missed Periods: There's just no accounting for good taste anymore, especially with adolescent boys...

      Delete
  40. A delight to read. A chuckle here and there Shelly. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just Be Real: Thank you for stopping by, my friend~

      Delete
  41. It sure felt good to laugh first thing this morning, Shelly! You always have such wonderful blog posts ... from serious to hilarious! Honestly, the list kinda reminded me sometimes of my purse. I was just here thinking yesterday I had a box of chicken strips in my purse. (Yes, I remembered to put them in the fridge. :)) No wonder Clint can't find the car keys if he wants to drive my car. Congratulations on your retirement, Shelly! Enjoy your life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cindy Ellison: Chicken strips- ha! I actually think I've done that. I'm glad you remembered to get them out. My purse could certainly be counted as a dumping ground at times because it's large and easy to shove things into. Thank you, my friend!

      Delete
  42. Wow, a deer tail. Eewwww. But the Mexican wrestler costume is a find! Lol. Love it. Great post!

    xo

    ~Janette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janette: The contents range from wacky to just...gross. I hope to never see another deer tail like that again...

      Delete
  43. Some of those items are just classic! It will be great to do something else, but I'm sure you are going to miss the entertainment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pat: And it was free entertainment, at that!

      Delete

I love to hear from you! I also love to comment back.