A Teen Girl's Guide to Handling Parents Who Embarrass

(This is not really guest posted by my 16 year old daughter. That would be too embarrassing for her.)

If your parents love to act weird in public, like mine do, here are some tips that can help you avoid or at least ease your embarrassment.

The Perpetually Embarrassed Teenaged Daughter

1. If you are in a clothing store manned by a hot, young, male clerk, and both parents, in their best Scottish accents ask the clerk where the kilts are, busy yourself with an urgent problem on your phone and slide surreptitiously  away. If both parents then put their arms around you and tell the clerk, "The wee lassie has always wanted a bonnie kilt, " pretend you haven't heard them at all,  and in fact that you don't even belong to them.

2. If in a Mexican restaurant while you and your parents are being serenaded by strolling mariachis, and both parents punctuate the end of the last mariachi song with a grito, (which "is similar to the yeehaw of the American cowboy, except with added trills and an onomatopoeia closer to  'aaaayyyyeeee'. The first sound is typically held as long as possible, leaving enough breath for a trailing set of trills," ) use your long hair to cover your face quickly, a la Veronica Lake. You might just become unnoticeable if your entire face is swathed by your dark hair.

3. On an out of town trip, when your mother finds a truck stop bathroom so truly beautiful that she takes pictures of it and asks you to pose for the same, spin quickly around before she can get a snap of your face *gasp* INSIDE A BATHROOM.

Moms just don't understand that the only appropriate pictures taken in the bathroom and posted on Facebook are the ones you take of yourself with your new outfit and hairstyle in your OWN bathroom mirror.

4.  When you and your mom are waiting in the car for your cousin in front of the high school and your mom has the front windows lowered, make sure you have enough space to hear outside noise around your ear buds. Because when your mom spots a cat with several small kittens walking nearby and begins to MEOW at them through the open window, you will need to drop down quickly into the floorboard and blend in with the floormats. 


5.  When your mom and dad chunk up the deuces at each other and at you in the mall when you are with your friends, pretend to your friends they are hearing impaired and are using sign language to communicate with each other.

6. If one of your teachers is good friends with your mom, make sure your mom does NOT exit the car when she comes to pick you up after school, especially if she has been home sick and is wearing pajama bottoms with yeti slippers. You do appreciate the kids in your group who politely look away, though, if she does, because they understand your pain.

7. When your mom discovers text speak and starts to post things on your Facebook wall using it, make sure first of all you are quick to check your wall and even quicker to delete things on it. Then, educate your mom about what some of those abbreviations really mean.

8. But most of all, love your parents. They can't help being goofy and they love you with every molecule of their beings. Just love 'em.







I Am a Law Breaker

I've broken the law, and that's not all. I was caught. Duly busted by the Texas Department of Public Safety Officer 09486. It's been thirty years since I last had a ticket, so this was unfamiliar territory for me.

I freely admit I do drive faster than the speed limit; however, I am a very safe driver and I usually only go 5- 6 miles an hour too fast.

Saturday, though, Teenaged Daughter and I were driving back from a family reunion. It was just the two of us since Mr. Tejano had to work. She sat in the middle seat, headphones on, watching a movie on the DVD player and looked like she had fallen asleep. I hummed along to myself and worked on getting my lines down pat for the Passion Play I was in that evening. Time was of the essence to get there and in costume and makeup on schedule.

The terrain was hilly. A deluge of 18 wheelers, working the history- making oil boom in this area,  dominated both lanes of traffic. Some zipped past dangerously fast on the two lane, shoulderless highway, while others crept along, blocking the flow like plaque in a diseased artery. They are difficult to get around even in the best of situations, and finding an area to pass not governed by the solid yellow stripe AND with no oncoming traffic was treacherous.

Finally, after four or five miles of following one truck at a scooter's pace, all the while getting pinged by the rocks his back tires were spewing at me, I had an opportunity to get around, although I'd have to move quickly. The  six or seven trucks behind us were also antsy.

The speed limit was 75, and we were going 60, thanks to Mr. I Couldn't Care Less About Anyone Else Behind Me. I put my left blinker on, sped up, moved around him, signaled right, and settled back into the lane. I was just enjoying the relief of being around him when I saw lights at the top of a black and white car flashing in the oncoming lane at me. I pulled over and the parade procession of trucks slowly lumbered past us, my hard earned spot in the lead already a faded memory.

Officer 09486 did a u-turn and parked behind me. I watched in my rear view mirror as he stumbled getting out of his car and inadvertently hit his siren button, startling him just as much as it did me. He straightened his felt cowboy hat and adjusted his mirrored glasses before he reached my car. He tapped his way down the body of my car until he reached my open window.

"U.S. citizen?" he asked sternly.

"Yes," I offered meekly, handing him my license.

"I'm stopping you for speeding. You were going 90 in a 75," he scolded.

My mouth must have dropped open a little because he nodded vigorously to punctuate his statement.

I explained I didn't think I was going that fast, but that I was trying to get around the truck I'd been following for miles before other oncoming trucks filled the opposite lane again.

The only reaction I could read was my own, reflected in his glasses.

After questioning me about where I was headed, where I'd been, and what I did for a living, he issued me the citation.

"And ma'am, have a wonderful day!" he barked in his monotone as he walked back to his car.

I pulled back onto the highway and continued on my way. He headed the other direction. Teenaged Daughter awoke from her nap in the back, rubbed her eyes and took off the headphones.

"Gosh, Mom, this drive is always so long and boring, " she noted with a yawn and stretch.