A Teen Girl's Guide to Handling Parents Who Embarrass

(This is not really guest posted by my 16 year old daughter. That would be too embarrassing for her.)

If your parents love to act weird in public, like mine do, here are some tips that can help you avoid or at least ease your embarrassment.

The Perpetually Embarrassed Teenaged Daughter

1. If you are in a clothing store manned by a hot, young, male clerk, and both parents, in their best Scottish accents ask the clerk where the kilts are, busy yourself with an urgent problem on your phone and slide surreptitiously  away. If both parents then put their arms around you and tell the clerk, "The wee lassie has always wanted a bonnie kilt, " pretend you haven't heard them at all,  and in fact that you don't even belong to them.

2. If in a Mexican restaurant while you and your parents are being serenaded by strolling mariachis, and both parents punctuate the end of the last mariachi song with a grito, (which "is similar to the yeehaw of the American cowboy, except with added trills and an onomatopoeia closer to  'aaaayyyyeeee'. The first sound is typically held as long as possible, leaving enough breath for a trailing set of trills," ) use your long hair to cover your face quickly, a la Veronica Lake. You might just become unnoticeable if your entire face is swathed by your dark hair.

3. On an out of town trip, when your mother finds a truck stop bathroom so truly beautiful that she takes pictures of it and asks you to pose for the same, spin quickly around before she can get a snap of your face *gasp* INSIDE A BATHROOM.

Moms just don't understand that the only appropriate pictures taken in the bathroom and posted on Facebook are the ones you take of yourself with your new outfit and hairstyle in your OWN bathroom mirror.

4.  When you and your mom are waiting in the car for your cousin in front of the high school and your mom has the front windows lowered, make sure you have enough space to hear outside noise around your ear buds. Because when your mom spots a cat with several small kittens walking nearby and begins to MEOW at them through the open window, you will need to drop down quickly into the floorboard and blend in with the floormats. 


5.  When your mom and dad chunk up the deuces at each other and at you in the mall when you are with your friends, pretend to your friends they are hearing impaired and are using sign language to communicate with each other.

6. If one of your teachers is good friends with your mom, make sure your mom does NOT exit the car when she comes to pick you up after school, especially if she has been home sick and is wearing pajama bottoms with yeti slippers. You do appreciate the kids in your group who politely look away, though, if she does, because they understand your pain.

7. When your mom discovers text speak and starts to post things on your Facebook wall using it, make sure first of all you are quick to check your wall and even quicker to delete things on it. Then, educate your mom about what some of those abbreviations really mean.

8. But most of all, love your parents. They can't help being goofy and they love you with every molecule of their beings. Just love 'em.







My Spectacular Fall

It was one of those days where everything was RIGHT. The sun shone, the birds chirped, and I knew it was going to be terrific. I was especially pleased with the way I looked. My hair was having a great day all unto itself, I was wearing a new, flippy, white skirt that I loved and a pair of fierce heels that boosted my height to over 6' tall.

I wanted to look my best because after school I would be presenting some information to a group of area superintendents. Confidence oozed from me.

I looked out my classroom window between 2nd and 3rd periods and saw raindrops. I remembered I had left the window cracked a bit in my car and breathed a prayer of thanks I had just enough time to get to the parking lot and get it rolled up before my next class came in.

I took off at a trot towards the parking lot. Not five steps out the door, my fierce heel caught on the edge of the sidewalk. The momentum of my trot stole my balance and I knew I was going down. It wasn't a dainty, drop to your knees fall. Not even close.

I drove myself headfirst into the dirt and grass on the other side of the sidewalk, Superman style. My knees dragged on the sidewalk while my feet flailed in the air. My hands and face plowed a furrow in the newly watered grass. My face became my anchor, slowing my slide through the grass and mud.

At the precise moment my slide stopped, five of my 8th grade boys turned the corner to where I was. By now, I had picked up my head. Streaks of mud marked my face and grass fell from my mouth. Part of my skirt was arranged somehow now around my waist. The top two buttons on my blouse had separated themselves from the fabric.

Both knees were bleeding, staining the bottom of my white skirt a bright red. I was stunned. They were equally as stunned.

They all dropped their books and hopped from one foot to the other. They each lost the power of speech momentarily. Their eyes were wide and their mouths agape.

The first one to regain his voice could only say, "Oh oh oh oh!"

The others just continued to jump in panic. I managed to roll myself over and sit up.

Finally another one choked out, "Uhhhh, ma'am, did you fall?"

Most of my students have seen me after the the after-school Insanity workouts I lead in my classroom for other teachers. It is a time when I am drenched in sweat, hair askew, and not looking my best. However, this  took looking bad to a whole new level.

They were sweet and quite concerned for my welfare. Perhaps they thought I had lost my hearing and mental capabilities in the fall, because they talked to me loudly and slowly. "LET....US....HELP....YOU...GET....UP."

By now, I had picked myself up off the ground and tried to wipe off the mud, grass, and blood. "Thanks, fellows, but I'm OK," I replied.

"WE...CAN...CARRY...YOU...TO...THE...OFFICE," another emphasized, stretching out his bony arms.

"No, thanks, I can make it there by myself," I reiterated.

"YOU...FELL," a third one explained to me.

"ON...THE...GROUND," the fourth intoned, nodding slowly.

"Yes, I know, but I'm OK."

Finally, I convinced them I was going to be fine and they could go on their way.

Somewhere in that dirt, along with my blood and bits of my skin, is a large piece of my dignity. Fierce heels, you won't be going with me to school anymore.